I thought that as time went on it would get easier and I wouldn't hurt so much, but honestly it's getting harder. It seems wrong to me that life can just go on as usual without Aimee here. I'm finding joy here and there, but it is all mixed in with sorrow. It's odd to me that such opposite emotions can coexist. I want to remember the happy times with Aimee and not focus so much on the absence, but that doesn't always work so well. Today I was looking at old videos and decided to edit one and post it here.
Last year at Herriman High Aimee was in the Theater Showcase. She was so excited and chose to sing "I Know it's Today" from Shrek the Musical.
Jann Boyer, Aimee's voice teacher, helped her pick out the song. We had fun going to Hale Theater's costume rental site and picking out the dress she wore. She also had some last minute rehearsals with Jann that she loved! Aimee did an amazing job performing this song!
She has such a beautiful voice and loved to perform! I miss seeing her on stage. At least I have lots of videos and photos to remember her by.
When I was watching the video today I was a bit startled by some of the lyrics. There is a part where she (Fionna) talks about Snow White being in a coma and how she is glad it's Snow White and not her. It was a bit hard to hear her singing about being in a coma. It's interesting how life's experiences can change how we view things that wouldn't have bothered us before.
For Valentine's day Garrett and I went to see "The Vow". I knew there was an accident in it and that the wife lost her memory, but I didn't realize that there would be such a lot of time spent on the hospital. It was probably only 15 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity from my perspective. The head injury, the medically induced coma, the different terms and even the hallway the husband was in at one point all brought back so many hard memories for me. It was still a great movie and I'd recommend it, but it was hard for me to watch.
At the end of last year Aimee had really started liking the song, "
If I Die Young" by the band Perry. She bought it for her iPod and at one point just the two of us were driving somewhere and that song was playing. I asked her to change the channel. She asked why and I told her it was just so harsh to think of one of my kids dying young. She understood and put on a different song. I had no idea in less than a month I'd be facing that trial with her. That song is still hard for me to listen to.
Sometimes I feel the "whys" are seeking to overtake me. At those times I turn back to reading conference talks, prayer, searching the scriptures and attending the temple. Today I read a talk by Lance B. Wickman from the LDS General Conference in October 2002 titled, "
But If Not". In it he said, "Reduced to their essence, humility and submissiveness are an expression of complete willingness to let the “why” questions go unanswered for now, or perhaps even to ask, “Why not?” It is in enduring well to the end (see 2 Ne. 31:15–16; Alma 32:15; D&C 121:8) that we achieve this life’s purposes. I believe that
mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that “all things must come to pass in their time” (D&C 64:32)." (emphasis added)
He also said, "grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father."
"We know He lives; therefore, we trust Him to bless us according to His divine will and wisdom. This childlike confidence in the Lord is known in scripture simply as the “sacrifice” of “a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (D&C 59:8)." I am trying to focus on that trust and let go of the whys.
Yesterday I went to the temple with my cousin Jenny. She has been a strength to me as we attend the temple together nearly weekly. On the way to the Oquirrh Mt. Temple yesterday I started crying and it was all I could do to keep from sobbing. When I got the to parking lot I just wanted to run into the temple to seek the peace I feel there.
Once I was calmly inside and changed into temple clothing Jenny asked if I needed a hug. I did, and I sobbed into her shoulder. Through the first half hour of service tears kept streaming down my face. Two sweet temple workers helped to comfort me and I was able to continue on and perform the work for 10 sisters. By the time I was done I felt so much better. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, but I felt that peace again.
It seemed at the time of Aimee's passing that the veil was so thin. Its really hard for me to feel that it is it becoming more opaque again. I'm not sure if it is something I'm doing or not doing or if it is the Lord's way of gently pulling back to encourage me to stand on my own. I feel like a wobbly legged fawn just learning to stand and needing to abruptly sit on a frequent basis. I long for the closeness I felt and want to do whatever I can to continue to feel the spirit near.
In talking about the loss of his son, Elder Wickman said, "the tender ministering of the Spirit and the passage of the years have softened our sadness." I'm hoping that I can get to a point where I can remember her mainly with gladness and that the aching sorrow and longing will be softened through faith in God's will and His timing.
I know He knows what is best and although I don't comprehend why I do trust Him. I just have to keep reminding myself to have faith in what I cannot see or understand at this time.
~Wendee
