Life is a Journey...

Sometimes I feel so sad. I can’t believe it’s nearly been 6 months since my sweet girl returned to Heaven. It just feels so unreal, like it couldn’t possibly be true. I miss her so much! I miss her beautiful voice, her bubbly laughter and her spontaneity. I miss seeing her gorgeous auburn hair sparkle in the sun with fine strands of gold woven in with her natural curls. How can that audacious, opinionated, star be gone so far away to sparkle without me? It’s hard to continue on with traditions as old as she was. This year over the 4 th of July I just couldn’t take a family picture at the cabin before the rodeo. It seemed too much like all the years before. I missed hearing her ooos and aaahs over the fireworks, and posing for me to take her photo here and there over the long weekend.   At Thanksgiving when we were at the cabin we brought a new game for the Kinect. It was something about Disneyland, and you could “meet” the characters and go around the park and fly with P...

My car got smashed up yesterday. Garrett took it to a cub scout meeting yesterday morning before church and parked on the road in front of a house in our neighborhood. When the meeting was nearly done one of our neighbors from a few blocks away came to the door and asked who was driving the gray Toyota, Camry. When Garrett got home I asked how the meeting went and he said fine and then he turned back and told me that the car got a bit scratched up. He told me what happened and I went on doing what I was doing. When I went out to go to church and saw the damage I my jaw dropped. Calling it a little scratched up is like calling a tornado a little wind storm. Here is a photo. He did say that the rear view mirror was torn off, but the huge dents and the fact that the hub cap was destroyed was something he left out. The bumper and driver's side front door will have to be replaced. The back driver's side door may have to be replaced. Three of the four wheels are bent so they...

I'm not sure where to start. I still feel like I'm on a roller coaster, but the lows are less dramatic. I'm not sure there were real roller coaster like highs at all the last few months. However, I have been able to find happiness in life doing the things I enjoy. I still have my moments. Sometimes I break down and sob for 5 minutes. Then I get up and get back to focusing on the good things in life. I really miss my sweet Aimee girl! I miss her bubbly, creative, spontaneity. I miss her beautiful auburn hair and pretty, smiling face. I miss hearing her sing almost all day long. I do still feel her, but the ache in my chest seems to just be part of my life now. An ever present feeling that something is missing, or rather someone is missing. Ok, enough of that. It's making me feel like crying. I've really been enjoying the weather lately. I love to work in the yard. Last week just below my right ankle started hurting badly and I had the chiropractor look at it and ...

Today my sweet Aimee would have turned 18 years old. Tomorrow it will be 3 months since she went to heaven. Well technically Saturday it will be 3 months, but the 13th is always the hardest for me because that is when I knew her brain wouldn't recover. I remember praying late Thursday and early Friday that a miracle would happen. I knew without a doubt if it had been God's will she would have been healed. That was the first time I felt that much faith in the power of healing. I've always believed, but that time it was different somehow. I also knew I could trust in God's will and even though it ended up that she had to go ahead I knew He was aware and knows what was best. I just miss her so much! Me at the Oquirrh Mt. Temple holding Aimee's temple card I knew today would be a challenging day for me. To make it special we arranged to do Aimee's temple work today. When someone passes on they usually have to wait a year to have their temple work done. However,...

It's been awhile since I've posted. Things are still up and down for me. I sometimes feel guilty when I have good days. I think that is odd, but I try to remind myself that Aimee wouldn't want me to be miserable the rest of my life. It just feels like a betrayal to have a good day. I know that isn't true and I do combat those thoughts it's just another part of my grieving process. Next Thursday is Aimee's birthday. She would have been 18 years old. At times I feel cheated, but I know somehow, someday God will make it all right. We are going to do Aimee's temple work on her birthday. I'm really glad we're going to do something so positive on such a difficult day. I feel sad that it is the last thing I can do for her and in some ways want to save it for later, but I feel like this is the best thing for all of us. I don't want to stall her eternal progression and I think it will be wonderful to feel her so close in the temple that day! On Monday...

I thought that as time went on it would get easier and I wouldn't hurt so much, but honestly it's getting harder. It seems wrong to me that life can just go on as usual without Aimee here. I'm finding joy here and there, but it is all mixed in with sorrow. It's odd to me that such opposite emotions can coexist. I want to remember the happy times with Aimee and not focus so much on the absence, but that doesn't always work so well. Today I was looking at old videos and decided to edit one and post it here. Last year at Herriman High Aimee was in the Theater Showcase. She was so excited and chose to sing "I Know it's Today" from Shrek the Musical. Jann Boyer , Aimee's voice teacher, helped her pick out the song. We had fun going to Hale Theater's costume rental site and picking out the dress she wore. She also had some last minute rehearsals with Jann that she loved! Aimee did an amazing job performing this song! She has such a beautiful vo...

I've been struggling lately, but I guess that isn't anything new. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging onto small branches growing out of a muddy slope and I'm barely keeping from slipping into a deep dark hole. I feel guilty for struggling because of all the love and support I receive from everyone, especially my Savior. I know that there are angels bearing me up and I have been so blessed by family and friends that I sometimes think I "should" be handling this better. I've been told not to "should" on myself and I try not to. I recognize that I am doing the best I can and it is normal to suffer when enduring this kind of a trial. At times it's just really hard to know how to deal with all these varied emotions. I am trying to give my self some slack and not expect perfection, but it has always been my nature to seek perfection. Sometimes my heart aches so badly I feel that the only thing keeping it from literally breaking into pieces is the ...

Today the kids were talking about being "pruney" after being in the bathtub and Toria mentioned how Garrett calls her "Prunella" when she gets that way. I asked if she knew where that started and she said no. When Aimee was little we were reading some of the Author books and there was a character named Prunella in them. One day when she got out of the bath she commented on how wrinkly her hands and feet were. I told her she looked pruney and then I called her Prunella. She didn't love that character but we thought it was funny so the nickname resurfaced whenever she had pruney skin and continued on with the other kids. Today we decided that Aaron could be Prunello when he's pruney. I've been thinking about how important memories are. That is why I'm trying to post memories of Aimee each week. My cousin gave me a pretty glass decoration with this quote on it: "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." That...

I started coughing last Friday and over the weekend it turned into bronchitis. I'd had some sinus stuff bugging me for a couple weeks so I guess it finally turned into something. I'm on an antibiotic and I'm hoping that will help it go away quickly, but I'm also trying to rest as well. That is other than today because I went to lunch with my Scrap Girls friends at the Cheesecake Factory. I love that place! I had my favorite Thai Lettuce Wraps and a raspberry swirl cheesecake with a chocolate cookie crust. Mmmmm! Then I went shopping with one of my friends and found a new yellow shirt. Fun! Then I came home and promptly fell into bed and slept for 2.5 hours. I feel better now, but I know I over did it. My sweet hubby fixed breakfast for dinner and got the kids to do their homework. I have the best husband in the world! I've been missing Aimee lots and lots! We went to the cemetery Monday and decorated her spot for St. Patrick's day. I had hoped to take the ki...

When Aimee was very small I loved reading to her. Some of her favorite books were the Dr. Seuss books. She had me read them to her so many times that even as a teen she and I would giggle and repeat the words of different parts when we'd hear something that sounded like part of one of them. Aimee loved One Fish Two Fish, Hop on Pop and Fox in Socks! I loved reading the bit in the Fox in Socks about the tweedle beetles. "When tweedle beetles battle it's a tweedle beetle battle..." So many fun memories reading to the kids! We also loved the Dr. Seuss ABC book. I loved the part about "Aunt Annie's alligator" and Aimee and I would always giggle and talk about how we didn't think that Aunt Annie (ours, my sweet Nettie) would ride an alligator. I also loved the "Zans" part and how it opened cans. I told all of my kids when I'd read that part that I didn't think I'd like having one of those in my house. lol When she was about 2 y...

I finally copied the pictures from Aimee's camera to my computer. She was enrolled in a photography class while we were on our vacation to California in October, and she was trying to get some good ocean and beach photos. We only made it to the beach two times and the last day it was really cold and rainy. The first day it was just really cold. The photo below is of the last day. Aimee and I took a walk down the beach while Garrett and the kids played in the water. Burrr! She was trying to get a good picture of the waves crashing on the rock in the photo above. When she finally got the spray she was looking for she jumped up and down and ran to show me the picture on the viewer on her camera. This is the photo she was so pleased with. I think she did a good job! I really miss how excited she'd get and how she'd include me and want to show me her latest discovery or accomplishment. Her enthusiasm was contagious and her smile and spontaneity made life so fun! I really m...

For some reason when I hear the words "head stone" or "grave" they just seem so harsh and cold. I decided to use the words marker and spot instead. Garrett and I ordered Aimee's marker on the 15th and it should be in place by her birthday, April 12th. It will have a cameo (photo on tile) on it, but that takes longer to come in so I'm hoping that will be here by my birthday/Mother's day. The bronze marker sits on granite with a 4 inch border of the granite surrounding it. It will have a separate heart shaped granite above it with a vase on that. The image below shows what the basic shapes will be on the bronze. It will be a dark bronze with the text and other emblems polished to a lighter shiney bronze. It was really hard to pick everything out. It just felt so final. I feel weird saying that because death is the most final thing I can think of, but somehow picking out the marker made it even more real. When Aimee was a little girl and and I divo...

It's been nearly two weeks since I've posted. I have been avoiding posting because I've been struggling and missing Aimee so much lately. We've been blessed with so much kindness from family and friends. We have such a great ward family and they've been so supportive! Before Valentine's day one of the groups of Achievement day girls "hearted" our door and left some cupcakes, rang the doorbell and ran. It was so sweet and cute! (The pink and red hearts on the door were from the Achievement Day girls.) Then on Valentine's day my sister Katie had watched our kids while Garrett and I went on a date and we came home to more hearts from the young women. Earlier that day a sister in our ward dropped off a sweet note for me with a bag of cinnamon bears. I love cinnamon bears! Also Aimee's two friends "the Kelsies" dropped a Valentine by for me. It was a cocoa mug with a teddy bear in it with treats. It was so sweet of them! With all t...

Early in the morning Friday the 13th of January 2012 the doctor's administered phenobarbital to put Aimee into a deep coma in the hopes of reducing her brain pressure. At 6am Friday morning it hadn't helped to reduce the pressure so they stopped the medicine that was keeping her brain in it's deepest sleep. Phenobarbital takes at least 24 hours to leave the body and it has to be out of the system before the doctor's can do an apnea test to see if the patient can breathe on their own.

Today it has been one month since the most difficult day of my life. It may seem confusing that the 14th isn't the day that I would feel this way because that is the day my sweet Aimee's heart stopped beating and when the world marks her departure. For me it was when I received the witness that her spirit had left her body and her brain was beyond repair by human means. That is when I knew her struggle here was finished and that our Father in Heaven had called her home. I'm grateful that He allowed her to linger a little longer so her siblings and many others could come and hold her warm hand and tenderly kiss our sweet angel's cheek before her physical body went peacefully to it's mortal rest. The events of that day and those surrounding it keep playing through my mind. So many feelings, impressions, memories of words spoken, facial expressions, tender touches and so much more flood my memory. I feel sad, grateful, loved, carried and like my heart will break apar...

I intended to upload the Audio Recording of Aimee's Funeral shortly after the proceedings, but when I got the CD over a week and a half ago I just wasn't ready to listen to it yet. I remember feeling really uplifted and so grateful for the music and talks, but it seemed like listening to it would make her death more final somehow. I'm sure that doesn't really make sense, but I'm sure I'll be listening to it many times from now on. The recording was edited to start after the opening prayer, and end before the closing prayer. I removed most of the pauses between the songs and speakers, and it is a lower quality recording because it is about an hour and 9 minutes long so otherwise it would take a long time to download. The best way to listen to the recording is to save a copy of the recording to your computer you'll need to download it by right clicking on the link below and choosing "Save link as..." or "Save target as..." and then choo...

Today was a good day. It started off really early for me. I woke up at about 4:30 am and was wide awake. It definitely was not a usual start to my morning. After realizing I wasn't going to fall back asleep right away I stayed in bed and read "Goose Girl" until about 7 am. (Garrett is a much earlier riser than I am so he just got up for the day) Then I took an early morning nap for about 2 hours. I took the kids to swimming lessons and then came home to get ready to go to lunch with some friends from our ward. We had a good, long visit and yummy soup and salad at the Olive Garden. I came home and worked on some web design stuff for a bit and then my sister, Katie, and her kids came over. We cooked dinner together and then her husband Jeff got here and we all ate dinner together. We were going to go to the gym and have the guys watch the kids, but instead after we'd fixed, eaten and cleaned up dinner we all played hide and go seek in our basement in the dark. The p...

I'm finding that grief is much like an emotional roller coaster without the exciting thrills. The "highs" seem to be when I'm functioning on a somewhat "normal" level. I feel an almost literal struggle to emotionally climb to the top of the hill and then something seemingly insignificant is able to send me rushing downward fighting gravity again. Simple things like cancelling an appointment for Aimee that was scheduled months ago can cause the reality of her absence to smack me in the face. I went to the temple today and I didn't want to leave. I feel peace there, and yet I know I have other things I need to attend to as well. I don't want to miss spending time with my other children, but it is an effort to smile, let alone want to do something I would have previously enjoyed. I feel guilty I'm not more fun to be with, and yet I know it's somehow reasonable. I started reading The Birth We Call Death by Paul H. Dunn and Richard M. Eyre an...

We took our kids to the hematology department at Primary Children's Hospital yesterday. It was a really good appointment. I do feel better. I learned some things about factor V leiden (pronounced: factor 5 lie-den) and avoiding blood clots that I thought I'd summarize here. The first thing I found interesting is that activated protein C resistance is usually the first test used to see if someone may have a clotting disorder like factor V leiden. It is a less expensive way to find out if they need to do the more expensive test to find out if you have factor V leiden or another clotting disorder. If you test normal on the apc test (activated protein c test) then you don't need to do further testing. If you show a resistance in the apc test then they have other tests they can do to find out if you have a clotting disorder like factor V leiden. Secondly, each time a child is created they receive 1 gene from each parent for multiple things. Since I have factor V leiden heter...

Today I found out that I tested positive for the blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden. This is one of the blood disorders that Aimee was diagnosed with in the last few days of her life. Garrett and Victoria tested normal. Aaron also tested positive for Factor V Leiden and his Protein S numbers were low. We're seeing the head of hematology tomorrow morning at Primary Children's Medical Center. I'm hoping to get more answers and hopefully some reassurance that there is preventative treatment. My Mom found an online resource that I found very informative here: http://www.stoptheclot.org/documents/FactorVLeiden-lw.pdf I'm trying not to let my mind run wild with worries about these disorders. I've been reading other articles on the web and am not sure how to put this all together. I think I just need to trust the Lord and work to learn what I can do to help keep my family healthy. ~Wendee

The last few days have been really hard. I am trying to "put on a happy face" in pubic (social media, in person, etc.). It's not that I'm lying or trying to deceive anyone. I just think that it is tiring to be around someone who is constantly an emotional drain. I also believe the saying "fake it until you make it" and I'm hoping the positivism will stick around if I put it out there. Although I don't put up a positive front consistently anywhere. It just may be more of what you see in public. I do let myself cry and I usually do that several times a day right now. Sometimes I'll actually sob and let it all out for awhile, but I don't like to do that for long. It makes my eyes sore and gives me a headache and doesn't seem to lessen the pain as much as it just drains me. I miss her so much it literally hurts sometimes. I know she's popping in to check on me and the rest of the family, but I guess I'm greedy because I want to hu...

Initially I started this blog just to update family and friends about how Aimee was doing at the hospital. Since things didn't turn out as I'd hoped and Aimee is now with our Father in Heaven I've begun a new journey. Traveling with grief is something I've done before. I don't imagine it is something anyone would choose, but in this frail mortal existence it seems that everyone will eventually experience it. I've decided to share some of my thoughts along the way in the hopes that it may help someone when they must submit to a similar experience. That being said, I'm still planning on posting memories of Aimee here as well as photos and more videos. I'm thinking about creating a "sister blog" as a remembrance of Aimee's journey. If I do that I'll post a link here for those who wish to only see posts in remembrance of Aimee. So I guess this is the start...

My Sister-In-Law, Janae Bingham , is a photographer and she put together this video that we displayed at the viewings. So many adorable pictures of my darling girl! It's a tear jerker so grab a tissue.

My co-workers at ScrapGirls.com made the digital scrapbooking layouts used to create the video in the previous post. Here is a link to view the individual layouts .  When viewing the individual layouts you can increase the time each layout is displayed by clicking on the (+) at the bottom or simply click on the pause (") button and then use the arrow buttons to navigate to the next layout. If the buttons disappear move your mouse across the layout on the screen and they should reappear. Below is a sample of the layouts. Just looking at these beautiful layouts makes me smile! ~Wendee btw if you are family or a close friend and would like printable copies just let me know and I'll get them to you. UPDATE: My cousin said she couldn't view the additional layouts so I'm working to get all the layouts uploaded to the Scrap Girls Gallery and will post links as I do so. They will be shared below: Legoland 2006 Aimee and baby Aaron 2003

So many thanks to Brandy Murray for coordinating the creation of the layouts and creating the video! Thanks to all the Scrap Girls ' product and layout designers who made layouts for me for this wonderful video. Looking through these layouts makes me smile! It's wonderful to have your friends as coworkers! ~Wendee

I have never felt such an out pouring of love and kindness. All the prayers, service and love that everyone has given are so truly appreciated! I am so glad to have such wonderful family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances and even strangers in my life who are such an example of Christlike love. I am planning to post the videos and layouts and additional memories of Aimee here once the funeral is over so that Aimee's memory will live on. Much love, Wendee

Aimee Lynne Henline Beloved Daughter Aimee Lynne Henline, age 17, our beloved daughter, sister,granddaughter, niece, cousin and friend returned home to her Saviorand Heavenly Parents on Saturday, January 14, 2012, at 11:59 p.m. Shemade it home by curfew. She passed away surrounded by many loved onesat the University of Utah Hospital from an unexpected blood clot inher brain. Aimee fought valiantly and was so brave. She was like ashooting star that amazed us with her beauty, but she was only in ourmidst for a short time before she ascended into another realm. Aimee was born on April 12, 1994, to Wendee Lynne Pease and Ken Henline. She is survived by her parents, Wendee and Garrett Pease, and Ken and Emily Henline. She is also survived by her sister, VictoriaPease, and brothers, Aaron Pease, Joseph Henline, and Zachary Henline.She is also survived by her grandparents and numerous aunts, uncles,cousins and friends who loved her dearly. She is now enjoying thecompany of her Aunt Angee an...

Aimee's funeral will be held on Thursday, January 19th at 11:00 am at: Founders Park Stake Building 11685 S. Kestrel Rise South Jordan, UT There will be a viewing Wednesday, January 18th at the stake center from 6:30 pm until 8:30 pm and Thursday morning from 9:00 am until 10:30 am. Flowers can be delivered to the stake center at 4:00 pm Wednesday. Aimee's favorite color is yellow. Many of us will be wearing yellow to these services. Thank you all for your support and kindness. Sympathy cards can be sent to the family at: Wendee and Garrett Pease 5932 Soapstone Circle South Jordan, Utah 84095

I'm sorry if we didn't get you called and you find out this way, but my sweet Aimee didn't surive. She's still on a respirator so her heart is beating but she's not with us. I'm really struggling right now. We haven't told our younger kids yet and I need to get some sleep so I can think. I'll try to post again later today.

While the procedure went well and they were able to clear some of the clotting away, all is not done. A CT scan after the procedure showed that some of the key clots were cleared, but there was still a lot of clots and more bleeding. There pressure was high enough that bleeding continued in the spinal cortex region. At one point, after being moved back to the critical care unit, Aimee had a heart attack because the pressure in her head was still too high. The doctors were there and her blood pressure dropped to 0 for only a few seconds before they were able to assist the heart. At that point, they decided that the best thing to reduce the pressure was medicate her into a deep coma. That is where things are right now. Aimee appears to be resting peacefully as the doctors watch. It is now a time to wait and see what will happen next. As one Doctor put it, she is in the woods and we are taking things hour by hour. We are hoping and praying for the best.

Aimee made it through the surgery! She is a real fighter and God has blessed us with a miracle. I'm so grateful and amazed! The surgeon was able to clear out the clots with the catheter and the angio and put in the heparin tube. They took her to get another CT scan right after and are currently settling her in her room in Neuro ICU at the University Hospital. They may have to perform the surgery again or one similar in the morning, but now she has a chance and there is a way for the blood to exit her brain and relieve the pressure. I am so relieved and can't wait to get in to see her.

Things have changed dramatically over the last few hours. They did a CT scan and found that the clots had grown quite a bit and that she had a stroke. So she has a bleed in her brain. She is currently in surgery at the U in Interventional Radiology. They are trying to break up and suck out the clots. They will then put a tube in to release the heparin directly into the spot where the clots are so her body can prevent more from forming and to help dissolve the remainders. The surgery will likely take at least 3 or 4 hours. Your prayers are truly appreciated.

Here are a few of the details. The lumbar drain went in well, but her blood pressure and stress response got really bad after they started draining the cerebral spinal fluid. Part way through the night she was so agitated that it took 5 of us including a big man to hold her down so she didn't thrash around so much to pull out her drain. After that they sedated her more and those drugs didn't seem to work well because she wasn't responding to us so we could see how she was actually doing. She was having breathing problems and it just got worse. By morning (my early morning - 7 am) they had decided to take the drain out. They had to sedate her again for removing the lumbar drain and it again made her really non-responsive and have more breathing problems. Later in the morning, I think about 10am, the doctors decided to take her off all the medicines including the pain meds so they could get her back to a baseline and get her responding to us and answering questions again. ...

Things went really badly shortly after I posted last night. Lots of prayers would be really helpful! We've had a really rough 18 hours. I'm going to try to post more, but things have been changing really quickly the last while without a break.

The Lumbar Drain Procedure went really well. They were able to do it without intubating her. YAY! She's still very drowsy, but she did very good throughout the procedure. They drained some of the csf (cerebral spinal fluid) and will do so each hour. They won't start the heparin again until at least tomorrow. Now they can start her on oral meds again and if she'd like to eat she can start that as soon as she finishes waking up. ~Wendee

We're counting down to the Lumbar Drain. Aimee is hoping it will help with her pain. We got her beautiful auburn hair brushed out and in a pony tail on top of her head and braided. She just got another dose of morphine for the pain and they're going to give her some platelets before the procedure. I'm really praying this goes off without a hitch so she can do it with the local instead of general anesthesia. She's being so brave and I keep telling her she's a little warrior princess fighting the pain and to get better. We found out she has tested positive for some blood disorders. We're going to be adding a hematologist to the treatment team. What the tests amount to is that she was predisposed to form clots because of the blood disorders. I guess it's just one more piece of the puzzle. So far the test for Lupas have come back negative though so I'm glad of that. ~Wendee

They've decided to do the Lumbar Drain to relieve the pressure in her brain. This will hopefully allow her optic nerve to begin healing and prevent the pressure from building up so much again. They're hoping to perform the procedure somewhat like an epidural using a local anesthesia. If that doesn't work then they'll intubate her and completely sedate her to complete it. I feel like this is a good thing and we're hopeful that it will relieve her back pain as well. She won't be able to eat for the next few hours to prepare for the procedure, but she doesn't seem to be hungry so I guess her milk shakes will have to wait until later. ;) Right now she's talking in her sleep about being the referee and how she's pausing the game and starting the game. Partly this is due to the multitude of medicines she's on, but she does usually talk in her sleep so that's not anything they're worried about. If you could pray that this procedure goes we...