Struggling

I've been struggling lately, but I guess that isn't anything new. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging onto small branches growing out of a muddy slope and I'm barely keeping from slipping into a deep dark hole. I feel guilty for struggling because of all the love and support I receive from everyone, especially my Savior. I know that there are angels bearing me up and I have been so blessed by family and friends that I sometimes think I "should" be handling this better. I've been told not to "should" on myself and I try not to. I recognize that I am doing the best I can and it is normal to suffer when enduring this kind of a trial. At times it's just really hard to know how to deal with all these varied emotions. I am trying to give my self some slack and not expect perfection, but it has always been my nature to seek perfection.

Sometimes my heart aches so badly I feel that the only thing keeping it from literally breaking into pieces is the Savior. In a talk by Robert D. Hales titled "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done" Elder Hales said, ““in my Gethsemane” and yours, we are not alone. He that watches over us “shall neither slumber nor sleep.” His angels here and beyond the veil are “round about [us], to bear [us] up.”” I know this is true. I feel His presence and that of many angels strengthening me. The Savior's grace makes it possible for me to face each new day.

I think the guilt, pain, sorrow, despair and many more emotions that come and go are all a part of working through this great loss. In a different talk by Quentin L. Cook titled, "The Songs They Could Not Sing" Elder Cook says, "The refiner’s fire is real, and qualities of character and righteousness that are forged in the furnace of affliction perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God."

He goes on to say, "A unique challenge for those who have lost loved ones is to avoid dwelling on the lost opportunities in this life. Often those who die early have demonstrated significant capabilities, interests, and talents. With our limited understanding, we lament the things that will not be accomplished and the songs that will not be sung." I often wonder what Aimee would have achieved with her many talents. She was and is amazing! I miss seeing her learn and grow and I miss the association we had on a daily basis. I miss visiting with her, enjoying her company and experiencing things together.

Last fall we went to Tuachan and watched the musical production of the "Little Mermaid" as a family. Aimee loved it! We had such a great time, and I am so grateful we were able to go on that trip together!

I posted the photo to the right on Facebook right after the musical and Aimee commented on the photo saying, "These two are my new role models, they were the ones I couldn't take my eyes off of whenever they were onstage because of their attitude and facial expressions they are amazing I want to learn to act like they can." She told them that she was amazed by their ability to never drop character, not even once.

I always thought of Aimee's Disney princess as Arial. Her red hair, beautiful voice and independent spirit made them seem like such a good fit. When the kids went up to Arial and Eric after the musical to get a photo, Eric said something about there being two "Arials" in the picture. It was cute. I think Aimee would have done a great job playing that part.

I haven't picked a date yet, but I plan to take the family down to St. George again, hopefully soon. I think the longer we wait the harder it will be. I know going to Tuacahn will be hard, but maybe Aimee will come with us in spirit. Starting after the first week of June they're playing "Aladdin" and "Hair Spray". We saw a shortened version of "Aladdin" in California Adventures in October last year. It was really good. The Genie was amazing! Aimee loved that one too! Below are some more pictures from Tuacahn in September 2011.

The phrase "time flies on wings of lightening" keeps coming into my mind. I can hardly believe that 2 months have already passed since Aimee left us. There are still times I think about things we'll be doing together and then I realize that she's gone ahead and that those things will have to wait. I miss my precious, sweet, beloved girl!

~Wendee