Video of Aimee Singing

I thought that as time went on it would get easier and I wouldn't hurt so much, but honestly it's getting harder. It seems wrong to me that life can just go on as usual without Aimee here. I'm finding joy here and there, but it is all mixed in with sorrow. It's odd to me that such opposite emotions can coexist. I want to remember the happy times with Aimee and not focus so much on the absence, but that doesn't always work so well. Today I was looking at old videos and decided to edit one and post it here.

Last year at Herriman High Aimee was in the Theater Showcase. She was so excited and chose to sing "I Know it's Today" from Shrek the Musical. Jann Boyer, Aimee's voice teacher, helped her pick out the song. We had fun going to Hale Theater's costume rental site and picking out the dress she wore. She also had some last minute rehearsals with Jann that she loved! Aimee did an amazing job performing this song!



She has such a beautiful voice and loved to perform! I miss seeing her on stage. At least I have lots of videos and photos to remember her by.

When I was watching the video today I was a bit startled by some of the lyrics. There is a part where she (Fionna) talks about Snow White being in a coma and how she is glad it's Snow White and not her. It was a bit hard to hear her singing about being in a coma. It's interesting how life's experiences can change how we view things that wouldn't have bothered us before.

For Valentine's day Garrett and I went to see "The Vow". I knew there was an accident in it and that the wife lost her memory, but I didn't realize that there would be such a lot of time spent on the hospital. It was probably only 15 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity from my perspective. The head injury, the medically induced coma, the different terms and even the hallway the husband was in at one point all brought back so many hard memories for me. It was still a great movie and I'd recommend it, but it was hard for me to watch.

At the end of last year Aimee had really started liking the song, "If I Die Young" by the band Perry. She bought it for her iPod and at one point just the two of us were driving somewhere and that song was playing. I asked her to change the channel. She asked why and I told her it was just so harsh to think of one of my kids dying young. She understood and put on a different song. I had no idea in less than a month I'd be facing that trial with her. That song is still hard for me to listen to.

Sometimes I feel the "whys" are seeking to overtake me. At those times I turn back to reading conference talks, prayer, searching the scriptures and attending the temple. Today I read a talk by Lance B. Wickman from the LDS General Conference in October 2002 titled, "But If Not". In it he said, "Reduced to their essence, humility and submissiveness are an expression of complete willingness to let the “why” questions go unanswered for now, or perhaps even to ask, “Why not?” It is in enduring well to the end (see 2 Ne. 31:15–16; Alma 32:15; D&C 121:8) that we achieve this life’s purposes. I believe that mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that “all things must come to pass in their time” (D&C 64:32)." (emphasis added)

He also said, "grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father."

"We know He lives; therefore, we trust Him to bless us according to His divine will and wisdom. This childlike confidence in the Lord is known in scripture simply as the “sacrifice” of “a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (D&C 59:8)." I am trying to focus on that trust and let go of the whys.

Yesterday I went to the temple with my cousin Jenny. She has been a strength to me as we attend the temple together nearly weekly. On the way to the Oquirrh Mt. Temple yesterday I started crying and it was all I could do to keep from sobbing. When I got the to parking lot I just wanted to run into the temple to seek the peace I feel there.

Once I was calmly inside and changed into temple clothing Jenny asked if I needed a hug. I did, and I sobbed into her shoulder. Through the first half hour of service tears kept streaming down my face. Two sweet temple workers helped to comfort me and I was able to continue on and perform the work for 10 sisters. By the time I was done I felt so much better. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, but I felt that peace again.

It seemed at the time of Aimee's passing that the veil was so thin. Its really hard for me to feel that it is it becoming more opaque again. I'm not sure if it is something I'm doing or not doing or if it is the Lord's way of gently pulling back to encourage me to stand on my own. I feel like a wobbly legged fawn just learning to stand and needing to abruptly sit on a frequent basis. I long for the closeness I felt and want to do whatever I can to continue to feel the spirit near.

In talking about the loss of his son, Elder Wickman said, "the tender ministering of the Spirit and the passage of the years have softened our sadness." I'm hoping that I can get to a point where I can remember her mainly with gladness and that the aching sorrow and longing will be softened through faith in God's will and His timing.

I know He knows what is best and although I don't comprehend why I do trust Him. I just have to keep reminding myself to have faith in what I cannot see or understand at this time.

~Wendee

Struggling

I've been struggling lately, but I guess that isn't anything new. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging onto small branches growing out of a muddy slope and I'm barely keeping from slipping into a deep dark hole. I feel guilty for struggling because of all the love and support I receive from everyone, especially my Savior. I know that there are angels bearing me up and I have been so blessed by family and friends that I sometimes think I "should" be handling this better. I've been told not to "should" on myself and I try not to. I recognize that I am doing the best I can and it is normal to suffer when enduring this kind of a trial. At times it's just really hard to know how to deal with all these varied emotions. I am trying to give my self some slack and not expect perfection, but it has always been my nature to seek perfection.

Sometimes my heart aches so badly I feel that the only thing keeping it from literally breaking into pieces is the Savior. In a talk by Robert D. Hales titled "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done" Elder Hales said, ““in my Gethsemane” and yours, we are not alone. He that watches over us “shall neither slumber nor sleep.” His angels here and beyond the veil are “round about [us], to bear [us] up.”” I know this is true. I feel His presence and that of many angels strengthening me. The Savior's grace makes it possible for me to face each new day.

I think the guilt, pain, sorrow, despair and many more emotions that come and go are all a part of working through this great loss. In a different talk by Quentin L. Cook titled, "The Songs They Could Not Sing" Elder Cook says, "The refiner’s fire is real, and qualities of character and righteousness that are forged in the furnace of affliction perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God."

He goes on to say, "A unique challenge for those who have lost loved ones is to avoid dwelling on the lost opportunities in this life. Often those who die early have demonstrated significant capabilities, interests, and talents. With our limited understanding, we lament the things that will not be accomplished and the songs that will not be sung." I often wonder what Aimee would have achieved with her many talents. She was and is amazing! I miss seeing her learn and grow and I miss the association we had on a daily basis. I miss visiting with her, enjoying her company and experiencing things together.

Last fall we went to Tuachan and watched the musical production of the "Little Mermaid" as a family. Aimee loved it! We had such a great time, and I am so grateful we were able to go on that trip together!

I posted the photo to the right on Facebook right after the musical and Aimee commented on the photo saying, "These two are my new role models, they were the ones I couldn't take my eyes off of whenever they were onstage because of their attitude and facial expressions they are amazing I want to learn to act like they can." She told them that she was amazed by their ability to never drop character, not even once.

I always thought of Aimee's Disney princess as Arial. Her red hair, beautiful voice and independent spirit made them seem like such a good fit. When the kids went up to Arial and Eric after the musical to get a photo, Eric said something about there being two "Arials" in the picture. It was cute. I think Aimee would have done a great job playing that part.

I haven't picked a date yet, but I plan to take the family down to St. George again, hopefully soon. I think the longer we wait the harder it will be. I know going to Tuacahn will be hard, but maybe Aimee will come with us in spirit. Starting after the first week of June they're playing "Aladdin" and "Hair Spray". We saw a shortened version of "Aladdin" in California Adventures in October last year. It was really good. The Genie was amazing! Aimee loved that one too! Below are some more pictures from Tuacahn in September 2011.

The phrase "time flies on wings of lightening" keeps coming into my mind. I can hardly believe that 2 months have already passed since Aimee left us. There are still times I think about things we'll be doing together and then I realize that she's gone ahead and that those things will have to wait. I miss my precious, sweet, beloved girl!

~Wendee

Memories are Precious

Today the kids were talking about being "pruney" after being in the bathtub and Toria mentioned how Garrett calls her "Prunella" when she gets that way. I asked if she knew where that started and she said no.

When Aimee was little we were reading some of the Author books and there was a character named Prunella in them. One day when she got out of the bath she commented on how wrinkly her hands and feet were. I told her she looked pruney and then I called her Prunella. She didn't love that character but we thought it was funny so the nickname resurfaced whenever she had pruney skin and continued on with the other kids. Today we decided that Aaron could be Prunello when he's pruney.

I've been thinking about how important memories are. That is why I'm trying to post memories of Aimee each week. My cousin gave me a pretty glass decoration with this quote on it:

"When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure."

That saying is so true! I think about Aimee so many times a day and I treasure those memories. I miss her so much! Sometimes I can't believe the past couple months are real and that she's actually gone from this life. I know she lives on and I'll see her again, but I miss the interactions we could have had here. I'm grateful for the time I had with her though. She is such an amazing person!

When Garrett and I were dating he'd come over at night and play with Aimee while I'd fix dinner. One of the things that I fell in love with was watching her play with him. Seeing how kind, gentle and patient he was with her was endearing.

One day he'd been there with us through the evening and I'd gotten Aimee tucked into bed. We were sitting on my couch talking and Aimee came out and looked at us and said, "Are you two going to get married?" We hadn't been dating long and I was fumbling for words and hurried her back into bed. When I came back in her audacious comments prompted some talk about future plans. I'm quite certain she helped things move along a bit more quickly than they would have otherwise.

When we were taking photos on our wedding day Aimee climbed up on a bench and called us over to her. She told us to sit down and she came up behind us and hugged us. I love that photo of the three of us! Her sweet smile and those adorable auburn curls framing her face are something I loved seeing. She was so beautiful and energetic! I miss her vibrant personality!

One of my ScrapGirls friends (Brandy Murry) made this layout for me. I'm going to try to post about each of the layouts that were made for me to display at the viewing. I love the quote on this one.

I think my new antibiotic is working. My cough is better than yesterday at least. I slept most of the morning after breakfast and that helped too. I don't feel as out of breath as yesterday, but I'm not moving around lots. I so want to go outside and weed on this beautiful day, but I know that would not be a wise way to protect my recovering health. Maybe I'll just sit out there for a bit once I get out of my pjs. Right now I'm in my office with the window open, listening to the kids playing and feeling the nice breeze.

I was planning on going to my Mom's stake Relief Society meeting about "Finding Peace" today. I was so sad I didn't make it there. They just sent me a photo of them releasing yellow balloons which is something we did at the cemetery after Aimee's spot was dedicated. I kissed and hugged my balloon before sending it heavenward to my sweet girl. I know some people took photos of the balloons as they were floating up and if anyone has a copy they could send me it would mean a lot.

~Wendee

I've been sick, well actually I am sick

I started coughing last Friday and over the weekend it turned into bronchitis. I'd had some sinus stuff bugging me for a couple weeks so I guess it finally turned into something. I'm on an antibiotic and I'm hoping that will help it go away quickly, but I'm also trying to rest as well. That is other than today because I went to lunch with my Scrap Girls friends at the Cheesecake Factory. I love that place! I had my favorite Thai Lettuce Wraps and a raspberry swirl cheesecake with a chocolate cookie crust. Mmmmm! Then I went shopping with one of my friends and found a new yellow shirt. Fun!

Then I came home and promptly fell into bed and slept for 2.5 hours. I feel better now, but I know I over did it. My sweet hubby fixed breakfast for dinner and got the kids to do their homework. I have the best husband in the world!

I've been missing Aimee lots and lots! We went to the cemetery Monday and decorated her spot for St. Patrick's day. I had hoped to take the kids Saturday and build a snowman, but we didn't get there. We ended up taking the kids to dinner and to see the Lorax. Aimee had really wanted to see that movie so I thought of her a lot as we were going through the night. It was a cute movie!

Once we got the decorations up Victoria was really excited to be in the picture, but Aaron had already headed to the car. He can only handle about 10 minutes at the cemetery right now then he goes and plays his DSI. I think partly it's the cold, but I think he hurts and wants to numb the pain by distracting himself. There are also tissues in the car so he can have a minute to himself if he needs it.

The ground at Aimee's spot is sand right now because it's been too frozen to put sod down. They'll get it covered with grass in about a month. I'm hoping that they can get the grass all done before or at the same time her marker is put in which should be in about a month.

I miss her so much! I just ache for wishing to squeeze her tight and look in her eyes and talk to her. I miss her singing throughout the day. I'm grateful for the feelings of peace I get from the Savior! That is how I make it through day by day. Sometimes I just can't believe she's gone. It was so fast that at times it seems like it hasn't sunk in. I think she'll be back tomorrow or wonder about something coming up and then realize that she's on the other side of the veil now. Frequently it just doesn't seem real.

When I hurt the most I cry, pray, read conference talks and find a distraction when I can't bear it anymore. I've been reading a lot so my house is a mess, but I'm doing the basics, and Garrett is helping out lots with all of that. Aimee wanted me to read the Goose Girl series and I think I started reading them just before the funeral. I'm on the last book we have here "Forest Born". I hope there is another after this because I love the series!

I'm trying to find happiness by spending time with my husband and kids that are still here, but sometimes it's really hard because I feel Aimee's absence so strongly. I feel her presence daily and I am grateful for that. I just wish I could see her and talk to her and touch and hear her too. I enjoy being with my family, I just feel incomplete. I try to find joy in the little things and keep doing things I enjoy. I just feel a constant ache and longing for my sweet girl!

~Wendee

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish...

When Aimee was very small I loved reading to her. Some of her favorite books were the Dr. Seuss books. She had me read them to her so many times that even as a teen she and I would giggle and repeat the words of different parts when we'd hear something that sounded like part of one of them.

Aimee loved One Fish Two Fish, Hop on Pop and Fox in Socks! I loved reading the bit in the Fox in Socks about the tweedle beetles. "When tweedle beetles battle it's a tweedle beetle battle..." So many fun memories reading to the kids!

We also loved the Dr. Seuss ABC book. I loved the part about "Aunt Annie's alligator" and Aimee and I would always giggle and talk about how we didn't think that Aunt Annie (ours, my sweet Nettie) would ride an alligator. I also loved the "Zans" part and how it opened cans. I told all of my kids when I'd read that part that I didn't think I'd like having one of those in my house. lol

When she was about 2 years old she was sitting on the couch at Grandma Sue's house holding a Dr. Seuss book reciting the words to the story and turning the pages as she went. My mom stopped and stood there open mouthed and said, "She can read?!" I told her no, that Aimee was really good at memorizing and I'd read her that book a few times.

Aimee could literally hear something a few times and memorize it. She was amazing that way! She starred as Annie in the Up With Kids Production of Annie when she was 5 years old and had it all memorized. I remember during the rehearsals that sometimes she would tell the other kids their lines too. Absolutely precocious, audacious and precious!

The photo on the right isn't the best quality, but it shows Aimee wearing her little orphan Annie outfit on stage after the production of Annie. She is holding her own "Oscar". All the kids got one after the play and it was so darling!

Garrett is scanning our old negatives from the "pre-digital" camera days. That sounds like prehistoric or something. So when I find some more of the adorable Aimee staring as Annie photos I took I'll post them. Hopefully I can find some of a better quality. She was the cutest Annie I've ever seen! There is also a video of the play, but I'm not sure what the copyright is on that so I'll check on it. The sound quality was bad too because they had an issue with their video equipment and hadn't let us use our own video cameras so I'm not sure if it will work or not. I'll see if I can find a part where it's just her singing "The Sun Will Come Out tomorrow" or something. She was darling and I so miss hearing her voice!

My all time favorite Dr. Seuss book is "Oh, the Places You'll Go". It is so uplifting and motivating! This is a book for all ages.

I am so glad that Dr. Seuss shared his gifts with the world! Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!

~Wendee

Aimee's Camera

I finally copied the pictures from Aimee's camera to my computer. She was enrolled in a photography class while we were on our vacation to California in October, and she was trying to get some good ocean and beach photos. We only made it to the beach two times and the last day it was really cold and rainy. The first day it was just really cold. The photo below is of the last day.

Aimee and I took a walk down the beach while Garrett and the kids played in the water. Burrr! She was trying to get a good picture of the waves crashing on the rock in the photo above. When she finally got the spray she was looking for she jumped up and down and ran to show me the picture on the viewer on her camera. This is the photo she was so pleased with. I think she did a good job!

I really miss how excited she'd get and how she'd include me and want to show me her latest discovery or accomplishment. Her enthusiasm was contagious and her smile and spontaneity made life so fun! I really miss her!

~Wendee