Putting on a happy face

The last few days have been really hard. I am trying to "put on a happy face" in pubic (social media, in person, etc.). It's not that I'm lying or trying to deceive anyone. I just think that it is tiring to be around someone who is constantly an emotional drain. I also believe the saying "fake it until you make it" and I'm hoping the positivism will stick around if I put it out there. Although I don't put up a positive front consistently anywhere. It just may be more of what you see in public.

I do let myself cry and I usually do that several times a day right now. Sometimes I'll actually sob and let it all out for awhile, but I don't like to do that for long. It makes my eyes sore and gives me a headache and doesn't seem to lessen the pain as much as it just drains me. I miss her so much it literally hurts sometimes.

I know she's popping in to check on me and the rest of the family, but I guess I'm greedy because I want to hug her physical being and look in her eyes and hear her voice. My heart aches for the loss of my friend, my daughter.

Great, just typing this is making me nearly sob. Maybe this isn't a good idea...

I do trust God's will, but I realized through all this I can trust Him without liking it. That was an epiphany for me. Maybe I'm supposed to like His will, but in this I think God wouldn't blame me for disliking it.

I'm trying to focus on my gratitude for the comfort I've felt from the prayers offered on my behalf and the many tender mercies of the Lord. I feel most at peace when I do that, but sometimes I just feel nearly inconsolable. Then I pray and seek a distraction.

Keeping busy helps, but I don't want to ignore the reality of my loss and that of my other children and everyone else who lost her. I think it is a balancing act and sometimes I feel completely unsteady.

I think that talking about this will help me. I warn you though, it may not always be "pretty", but I hope to keep it real.

~Wendee