Marker for Aimee's "Spot"

For some reason when I hear the words "head stone" or "grave" they just seem so harsh and cold. I decided to use the words marker and spot instead.

Garrett and I ordered Aimee's marker on the 15th and it should be in place by her birthday, April 12th. It will have a cameo (photo on tile) on it, but that takes longer to come in so I'm hoping that will be here by my birthday/Mother's day.

The bronze marker sits on granite with a 4 inch border of the granite surrounding it. It will have a separate heart shaped granite above it with a vase on that. The image below shows what the basic shapes will be on the bronze. It will be a dark bronze with the text and other emblems polished to a lighter shiney bronze.

It was really hard to pick everything out. It just felt so final. I feel weird saying that because death is the most final thing I can think of, but somehow picking out the marker made it even more real.

When Aimee was a little girl and and I divorced her father I took my maiden name of Bingham back again. When she found out I was Wendee Lynne Bingham and not Wendee Lynne Henline she wanted to be Aimee Lynne Bingham. I tried to explain to her that she was Aimee Lynne Henline, but that she was part of the Bingham family as well. She decided she was Aimee Lynne Henline Bingham and would always identify herself that way. For anyone that knows Aimee once she made her mind up on something there was little hope of changing her decision so Aimee Lynne Henline Bingham it was.

When I married Garrett and became a Pease she decided she was Aimee Lynne Henline Bingham Pease. Those were the three families who cared for and supported her in this life so I felt it was fitting that all three names be represented on her marker.

I also added the word beloved beneath where her photo will be because in French the name Aimee means beloved and that is one reason why we spelled her name that way. I also liked the double e at the end of that spelling because it is spelled like my name. She will always be my beloved daughter!

~Wendee

Some days are much harder than others and some are easier

It's been nearly two weeks since I've posted. I have been avoiding posting because I've been struggling and missing Aimee so much lately. We've been blessed with so much kindness from family and friends. We have such a great ward family and they've been so supportive!

Before Valentine's day one of the groups of Achievement day girls "hearted" our door and left some cupcakes, rang the doorbell and ran. It was so sweet and cute! (The pink and red hearts on the door were from the Achievement Day girls.)

Then on Valentine's day my sister Katie had watched our kids while Garrett and I went on a date and we came home to more hearts from the young women. Earlier that day a sister in our ward dropped off a sweet note for me with a bag of cinnamon bears. I love cinnamon bears! Also Aimee's two friends "the Kelsies" dropped a Valentine by for me. It was a cocoa mug with a teddy bear in it with treats. It was so sweet of them!

With all this kindness and so much more I feel guilty that I get so easily depressed by our loss of Aimee. I've been trying not to post "downer comments" on facebook. I've realized that this is my reality right now and people who want to be supportive can't support and encourage when they don't know what I'm feeling. I have been talking lots to my family and some friends, but it's just been a really hard few weeks. I probably will still try to put a mix of sad and other thoughts especially on FB just because I don't want to be exhausting.

Some times are easier than others and it seems that when I'm really striving to trust in the Lord and not lean unto my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) I do much better. Prayer, reading conference talks and temple attendance really help me feel the greatest peace.

I read this quote on LDS.org today, "Communication with our Father in Heaven—including our prayers to Him and His inspiration to us—is necessary in order for us to weather the storms and trials of life." ~President Thomas S. Monson. I've found that to be so true in my life!

During the daily reminders of Aimee's absence I sometimes take my eyes off the Lord and I begin to slide down the slippery slope of despair and then I dig in and regain my footing through returning my focus to trusting in my God.

It's just so easy to focus on the reality that I probably won't see my daughter until years from now. Last night when we were downstairs watching the movie "Rio" I took a bathroom break. When I was in the downstairs bathroom, which was previously Aimee's, I noticed her face wash, shampoo, conditioner and razer in the same place she'd left them and realized that she may have been the last one to touch them. It brought tears to my eyes and I opened her conditioner just to smell a reminder of her. I miss her so much it hurts!

Every day I wear a ring I bought the day after Valentine's day. I was going to buy it for Aimee for Christmas, but she kept talking me into buying her this and that until I couldn't get the ring for her too. I had decided to get it for her for Valentine's day, but that didn't work out. So when I went into Kohl's on the 15th I was planning on going directly to get what I went in for (yeah right). As soon as I saw the jewelry counter I heard the thought "you should go look and see if they have that ring". I thought to myself, "I'll just look and see". They had one left and it fit me and I couldn't believe that because of the sale and my 30% off coupon I got a $60 ring for about $13. The inside has these words engraved, "Mother Daughter Friends". I started to cry when I saw it and I've been wearing it every day since.

There are so many tender mercies that I notice each day and I am grateful for my loving Father in Heaven who is aware of me and sends angels to bear me up.

~Wendee

One Month...

Today it has been one month since the most difficult day of my life. It may seem confusing that the 14th isn't the day that I would feel this way because that is the day my sweet Aimee's heart stopped beating and when the world marks her departure. For me it was when I received the witness that her spirit had left her body and her brain was beyond repair by human means. That is when I knew her struggle here was finished and that our Father in Heaven had called her home. I'm grateful that He allowed her to linger a little longer so her siblings and many others could come and hold her warm hand and tenderly kiss our sweet angel's cheek before her physical body went peacefully to it's mortal rest.

The events of that day and those surrounding it keep playing through my mind. So many feelings, impressions, memories of words spoken, facial expressions, tender touches and so much more flood my memory. I feel sad, grateful, loved, carried and like my heart will break apart unless the strength of my God keeps holding it together.

In the last month I've learned that I can accept God's will without liking it. Yesterday when talking with my Bishop he reminded me that when the Savior was suffering in Gethsemane He asked the Father "... if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42) The Father wants us to surrender our will to His and I now deeply understand that the submission is the important part. He doesn't expect that we will look forward to or even enjoy the challenges we must endure to return to Him. He understands that in our limited understanding we may wish there was another way, any other way, but by turning our will to His we are able to become more like Him and like His son, our Savior.

The very next verse (Luke 22:43) reads, "And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him." I know that I have had angels bearing me up and helping me to do things I couldn't have done on my own. I feel their presence every day and am so grateful for the comfort, strength and love they provide. I recognize their spirits. I wish I could see them, but I know them. They are those I knew and loved here before they moved onto the next part of their journey. I am grateful I feel Aimee's presence so often for she is one of those comforting me. I still miss her and wish I could take her in my arms and hold her tight and caress her beautiful auburn hair. I wish I could tell her I love her and hear her reply. I know she knows of my love, but I miss her more than I can express.

~Wendee

Audio Recording of Aimee's Funeral

I intended to upload the Audio Recording of Aimee's Funeral shortly after the proceedings, but when I got the CD over a week and a half ago I just wasn't ready to listen to it yet. I remember feeling really uplifted and so grateful for the music and talks, but it seemed like listening to it would make her death more final somehow. I'm sure that doesn't really make sense, but I'm sure I'll be listening to it many times from now on.

The recording was edited to start after the opening prayer, and end before the closing prayer. I removed most of the pauses between the songs and speakers, and it is a lower quality recording because it is about an hour and 9 minutes long so otherwise it would take a long time to download.

The best way to listen to the recording is to save a copy of the recording to your computer you'll need to download it by right clicking on the link below and choosing "Save link as..." or "Save target as..." and then choose a location on your computer to store it. Once you've done that you can play the file right on your computer. Otherwise you can listen to it streaming on the web by clicking on the link below. However, it may temporarily stop playing while it is streaming or take a long time to load and play at all. Sometimes if you pause the file and wait a minute for it to download a temporary copy to your computer then you can listen to it without the playback stopping.

Funeral of Aimee Lynne Henline (smaller file with less pauses)

Funeral of Aimee Lynne Henline (larger file size with pauses)

The first song is sung by Aimee's friends from school. When they went up to sing the song and lined up, there was a gap just right of the middle next to her friend Kelsie. I kept looking at that empty spot thinking that Aimee was right there singing with them. I even had several people comment saying the same thing.

I truly appreciate the effort that was put into the music and talks. Aimee's funeral had many more songs than most funerals because her life was filled with music and it is how she loved to share her testimony of the Savior and to communicate in general. Music speaks directly to the heart.

I hope you're able to feel the peace the music and messages in the funeral have provided to me and many others.

~Wendee

Good day

Today was a good day. It started off really early for me. I woke up at about 4:30 am and was wide awake. It definitely was not a usual start to my morning. After realizing I wasn't going to fall back asleep right away I stayed in bed and read "Goose Girl" until about 7 am. (Garrett is a much earlier riser than I am so he just got up for the day) Then I took an early morning nap for about 2 hours.

I took the kids to swimming lessons and then came home to get ready to go to lunch with some friends from our ward. We had a good, long visit and yummy soup and salad at the Olive Garden. I came home and worked on some web design stuff for a bit and then my sister, Katie, and her kids came over. We cooked dinner together and then her husband Jeff got here and we all ate dinner together.

We were going to go to the gym and have the guys watch the kids, but instead after we'd fixed, eaten and cleaned up dinner we all played hide and go seek in our basement in the dark. The person who was "it" had to use a flashlight to find everyone's hiding spots. It was lots of fun! Aimee would have loved playing that with us!

At one point I crawled under a small child sized table with a blanket on the top. I didn't quite fit. Victoria said the table was a bit taller than before. lol

~Wendee

Roller Coaster

I'm finding that grief is much like an emotional roller coaster without the exciting thrills. The "highs" seem to be when I'm functioning on a somewhat "normal" level. I feel an almost literal struggle to emotionally climb to the top of the hill and then something seemingly insignificant is able to send me rushing downward fighting gravity again. Simple things like cancelling an appointment for Aimee that was scheduled months ago can cause the reality of her absence to smack me in the face.

I went to the temple today and I didn't want to leave. I feel peace there, and yet I know I have other things I need to attend to as well. I don't want to miss spending time with my other children, but it is an effort to smile, let alone want to do something I would have previously enjoyed. I feel guilty I'm not more fun to be with, and yet I know it's somehow reasonable.

I started reading The Birth We Call Death by Paul H. Dunn and Richard M. Eyre and found this quote, ‎"Don't try to fight the sorrow you feel. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life." I would suffer every moment if that is what was required to feel those moments of adoration and love for my daughter, but I hope the intensity of the hurt will decrease but not the intensity of the love. I think the pain will become less raw and the love will remain. That is how it was when my sister died nearly 20 years ago. I just feel I'm still in shock over Aimee's death.

Russell M. Neilson said in his April 1992 conference talk, "Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love." Quotes like this help me feel it is ok to feel this pain. I know logically it is appropriate and expected to grieve a loss such as this, but somehow I feel like mourning is dishonoring the atonement. Reading and rereading these quotes brings me peace and gives me permission to feel allow the hurt to wash over me.

I'm finding that "God's hands are most often present to sustain and comfort us in our suffering rather than to remove the trials and suffering from our lives." (But If Not volume 2 by Joyce and Dennis Ashton) And as Henry Ward Beecher said, "the moment and ill can be patiently borne it is disarmed of its poison, though not of its pain."

I do feel God's love and the peace the comforter brings, but I still feel the deep ache of longing for my sweet daughter. I miss my friend.

I'm trying to do what needs to be done daily and then a little bit more. Reading church articles, scriptures and grief books help ease the pain as does praying and attending the temple. Sometimes distractions like reading a novel or watching a tv show help, although I don't do that much. I think I repeat myself over an over by talking about different parts of the last week of Aimee's life or the funeral or what I miss most, but it does help sometimes to talk about it. Other times I just want to think about it all on my own or think about something entirely different.

I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes 1 hour at a time, sometimes 1 minute at a time and sometimes 1 breath at a time.

~Wendee

Avoiding Blood Clots

We took our kids to the hematology department at Primary Children's Hospital yesterday. It was a really good appointment. I do feel better. I learned some things about factor V leiden (pronounced: factor 5 lie-den) and avoiding blood clots that I thought I'd summarize here.

The first thing I found interesting is that activated protein C resistance is usually the first test used to see if someone may have a clotting disorder like factor V leiden. It is a less expensive way to find out if they need to do the more expensive test to find out if you have factor V leiden or another clotting disorder. If you test normal on the apc test (activated protein c test) then you don't need to do further testing. If you show a resistance in the apc test then they have other tests they can do to find out if you have a clotting disorder like factor V leiden.

Secondly, each time a child is created they receive 1 gene from each parent for multiple things. Since I have factor V leiden heterozygot I received the factor V leiden gene from my Mom and a normal factor V gene from my Dad. Garrett tested normal so he has two normal factor V genes. Aimee and Aaron both got the factor V leiden gene from me. Victoria got my healthy factor V gene so she tested normal.

It is more dangerous for a female to have factor V leiden because of estrogen. Aimee was on loestrin which is a very low dose of estrogen. She was having lots of cramping and extra bleeding with her menses and the loestrin helped with that. What we didn't know is that estrogen multiples your risk of clotting. If we had known that she had factor V leiden and known of the complications that estrogon adds to clotting then we could have prevented her from taking estrogen. I quit taking estrogen while in the hospital with Aimee. I am not loving the menopausal effects, but I'd rather deal with them than the increased risks.

There are other risk factors that can increase the chance of clotting as well. Being overweight is one of those risk factors, so I have some changes to make. Being dehydrated is an additional risk factor because it thickens the blood. So it's important to drink plenty of water and remain hydrated at all times especially if you have factor V leiden or another clotting disorder. Regular exercise is also very important to help prevent clotting. So again I have another change I need to make.

Something I hadn't realized is that when taking a long trip in the car or on an airplane it is important to get up and walk around every few hours. Keeping the blood flowing regularly is crucial in clot prevention. The doctor said that drinking several cups of water before leaving on a long trip and then continuing to drink while on the trip and after will help keep the blood thin and reduce the chances of a clot.

Basically most of these are things that everyone should do. Having factor V leiden doesn't mean that something like what happened to Aimee is destined to happen to me, my son or my mom. In fact when people get clots they usually happen in the deep veins of the legs (dvt: deep vein thrombosis). Those clots are dangerous because they can travel to the heart or the lungs (pe: pulmonary embolism) and possibly the brain (a stroke). Aimee's clot was very, very, very rare. Chances of it happening were about 1 in a million or 2 in 5 million. It does happens in people without factor V leiden. Having that risk factor increased her chances, taking estrogen also increased her chances. She was also dehydrated, and so forth. So each of these things added to her risk of clotting which resulted in the sinus venous thrombosis (clot in the vessels leaving the brain) that caused her to leave us.

There is lots more I could say about that, but mainly it comes down to the fact that I wish I'd known earlier so I could have never allowed her to start estrogen and so many other things. However, we do the best we can with the information we have at the time and that is all we can do. I know God has a plan for each of us and that He is very aware of us even down to things that may seem insignificant. He loves us and I trust His will in knowing what is best for my daughter and our family, but I miss her so much and wish this hadn't happened.

We will know more about Aaron's protein S numbers when the additional test results come back next week. There is a possibility that since he had a sinus infection when they tested him that the s proteins could have been effected by that and they may actually be normal.

The proteins c and s both help to stop clotting. So low numbers increase the clotting risk and that is why we're concerned. I'll be sure to update everyone here when I find out more. In the mean time drink, exercise and get up and walk around every few hours. And please don't take estrogen unless you know you don't have a clotting disorder for sure.

~Wendee

Factor V Leiden

Today I found out that I tested positive for the blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden. This is one of the blood disorders that Aimee was diagnosed with in the last few days of her life. Garrett and Victoria tested normal. Aaron also tested positive for Factor V Leiden and his Protein S numbers were low.

We're seeing the head of hematology tomorrow morning at Primary Children's Medical Center. I'm hoping to get more answers and hopefully some reassurance that there is preventative treatment.

My Mom found an online resource that I found very informative here: http://www.stoptheclot.org/documents/FactorVLeiden-lw.pdf

I'm trying not to let my mind run wild with worries about these disorders. I've been reading other articles on the web and am not sure how to put this all together. I think I just need to trust the Lord and work to learn what I can do to help keep my family healthy.

~Wendee