The last few days have been really hard. I am trying to "put on a happy face" in pubic (social media, in person, etc.). It's not that I'm lying or trying to deceive anyone. I just think that it is tiring to be around someone who is constantly an emotional drain. I also believe the saying "fake it until you make it" and I'm hoping the positivism will stick around if I put it out there. Although I don't put up a positive front consistently anywhere. It just may be more of what you see in public.
I do let myself cry and I usually do that several times a day right now. Sometimes I'll actually sob and let it all out for awhile, but I don't like to do that for long. It makes my eyes sore and gives me a headache and doesn't seem to lessen the pain as much as it just drains me. I miss her so much it literally hurts sometimes.
I know she's popping in to check on me and the rest of the family, but I guess I'm greedy because I want to hug her physical being and look in her eyes and hear her voice. My heart aches for the loss of my friend, my daughter.
Great, just typing this is making me nearly sob. Maybe this isn't a good idea...
I do trust God's will, but I realized through all this I can trust Him without liking it. That was an epiphany for me. Maybe I'm supposed to like His will, but in this I think God wouldn't blame me for disliking it.
I'm trying to focus on my gratitude for the comfort I've felt from the prayers offered on my behalf and the many tender mercies of the Lord. I feel most at peace when I do that, but sometimes I just feel nearly inconsolable. Then I pray and seek a distraction.
Keeping busy helps, but I don't want to ignore the reality of my loss and that of my other children and everyone else who lost her. I think it is a balancing act and sometimes I feel completely unsteady.
I think that talking about this will help me. I warn you though, it may not always be "pretty", but I hope to keep it real.
~Wendee
I do let myself cry and I usually do that several times a day right now. Sometimes I'll actually sob and let it all out for awhile, but I don't like to do that for long. It makes my eyes sore and gives me a headache and doesn't seem to lessen the pain as much as it just drains me. I miss her so much it literally hurts sometimes.
I know she's popping in to check on me and the rest of the family, but I guess I'm greedy because I want to hug her physical being and look in her eyes and hear her voice. My heart aches for the loss of my friend, my daughter.
Great, just typing this is making me nearly sob. Maybe this isn't a good idea...
I do trust God's will, but I realized through all this I can trust Him without liking it. That was an epiphany for me. Maybe I'm supposed to like His will, but in this I think God wouldn't blame me for disliking it.
I'm trying to focus on my gratitude for the comfort I've felt from the prayers offered on my behalf and the many tender mercies of the Lord. I feel most at peace when I do that, but sometimes I just feel nearly inconsolable. Then I pray and seek a distraction.
Keeping busy helps, but I don't want to ignore the reality of my loss and that of my other children and everyone else who lost her. I think it is a balancing act and sometimes I feel completely unsteady.
I think that talking about this will help me. I warn you though, it may not always be "pretty", but I hope to keep it real.
~Wendee
You are allowed to have any emotion that comes. Some are definitely easier than others. You should let yourself feel sad sometimes, and not feel like you have to always put on a happy face for everyone else. We understand it isnt always pretty. We all love you and are here for you! I am praying for you and your family. I hope that you can feel some comfort from that. <3
ReplyDeleteWendee, I have to admit that I am just seeing this now, and I want to say how very, very sorry I am for your loss. I hate the fact that I didn't know when this was going on because I remember when I lost my brother, and I thought the whole world should have stopped for a moment to notice his passing. And you wonder how the world can just continue on around you like nothing has happened. So I want you to know that I'm taking this time now to mourn with you, to cry, and to pray for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteTime does heal, and your attitude is wonderful, considering your loss. I won't say each day gets easier, because I don't think it can happen that quickly, but over time, it will get easier.
Again, my deepest sympathy, Wendee. I will continue to hold you and your family in my prayers.
Jan Hicks
Thanks Rachel and Jan! Your prayers really do help!
ReplyDeleteWendee, I don't know that there is a thing I can say that you haven't already heard, but I'm praying for you too. Losing Aimee is a very hard thing. None of us expect to move on overnight and pretend that you don't feel like you do. I have to say I have admired your strength and courage for being so strong and putting on this happy face for so long because I know how hard it is to hide how you are really feeling inside when it feels like everyone else thinks you should feel otherwise. Be active and do things, but don't hold it all in. Cry when you need to. Mourn for Aimee as long as you need to. We will understand.
ReplyDelete((((Wendee))))
Thanks Vicki!
ReplyDelete