1 Year Mark

It's really hard for me to believe that 1 year has gone by. The last week was really hard. Two weeks ago I started having nightmares reliving the events of the last week of Aimee's life on Earth. After about a week of that I started getting better sleep without the nightmares, but still not really that great. During the day that week I was having flashbacks to what we were doing at that time a year ago. As you can imagine all of this really piqued my emotions. It was frustrating because logically I know I can't change the events and these nightmares and daymares weren't helping, but they'd come despite my knowledge of their futility. It has gotten better.

Saturday we went to the cemetery to leave some flowers at Aimee's spot. We dug down about a foot and a half to find her marker. If we didn't know exactly where it was and the flowers from Christmas weren't there it would have been really hard to find. The flowers from Christmas were frozen in water about half way up the vase. Garrett cut the dead flowers out and left the green sparkly swirly things and the pine-cone and we put some of the new yellow and red roses into the vase. Since we had to cut them so short we thought it would be more likely they'd blow out so we poured in a bit more water to freeze the new ones in place.

I'm glad that it wasn't bitter cold with deep snow like this last year. We'd planned for the cold and worn appropriate clothes so it wasn't bad and thankfully the wind wasn't too bad. We even brought a sled to sit on by her spot. It was a good thing we had it because on the way out my short legs kept getting stuck up to the thigh on the mound by the road so Garrett had me get on the sled and he pulled me out.

Aaron didn't want to come to the cemetery. I asked him why and told him it was't wrong not to want to come, but that I was just curious as to why. He said when he goes to the cemetery he feels like he's going to get a clot soon and die young too. I again explained that it is so unlikely that this would happen to him, but I can't seem to assuage his anxiety. I need to get him back in to see a therapist. The last therapist just wasn't a very good fit so I've got some new names now.

He did end up coming, not because he was forced, but he didn't come over to her spot and when the battery died on the dvd player he had a melt down. It breaks my heart.

Victoria is doing ok. I think she's in the anger stage of grief and feeling guilty. She tries to put up a happy facade, and does well enough for acquaintances but I also need to get her into a therapist. I'm not sure how either of them will respond to that, but I think it will be helpful in the long term.

Saturday night Michelle Stanley came to sit with the kids and my brother Ryan and his wife Janae brought their two youngest to play with the kids while we went to the temple. My parents, Ryan and Janae, Betsey and Caleb and Garrett and I all went to a session and then went to the Olive Garden for dinner afterward. Katie is expecting and wasn't feeling very well so she and Jeff stayed at home.

Sunday was excruciating. I found out Aimee was brain dead on Friday the 13th of January 2012 between 10 am and noon which was right during our 9 am to noon church block this year. I went to church because I felt it would be better than wallowing in bed with everyone else at church. I need the emotional strength that I received from everyone there. I felt better after going, but I hope those seeing me cry so much understood. There were so many reminders in Sacrament meeting that by the time the closing song, "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" was sung I had tears streaming down my face.

I didn't teach primary  this week with Garrett. I asked if he would find a sub and he found someone to sit with him while he taught. He said since I'd be in Relief Society half the time he wasn't sure what good he'd be able to do by getting a sub for both of us. I felt like he was being a Vulcan again and I think I even told him so. Thankfully Adrian Paschal stayed with me in the chapel through most of Sunday school and when she went to Young Women's I was able to attend Relief Society and feel the love of the other sisters there.

I came home after church and slept for about 3 hours. We went to my parents' home for a family dinner and the kids put together a play of Aimee's life. It was something they came up with all on their own. It was really sweet. Aubree and Victoria were the narators and Chloe came in as me with a doll that was Aimee. Then Josie came in as Aimee as a child. They wanted her to sing a song like Aimee always did, but she was too teary to do it. I don't think they did any other scenes of Aimee's life, but we ended by having everyone sing "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow". Many of us were crying, but it was really sweet.

Monday my visiting teachers, Lindsey Tobler and Renay Steel came and helped me clean up our home so we could have family over for dinner that night. We hadn't finished by the time I needed to get ready to meet my sisters for lunch so they came back and cleaned more with Kristin LeBaron. It was so kind of them. I've been struggling so hard with depression that I haven't gotten much done around here. It was so cluttered and they were so sweet to help me! Garrett had taken the day off and he helped lots too.

I went to lunch at Zupas with my sisters Betsey, Katie and  Janae who is like one of my sisters, just through marriage to my brother. We sat and talked for quite awhile. I was surprised at how it was so much less busy than the other times I've been there, but was grateful that it was quiet enough for us to talk.

Janae needed a ride home, but she stopped with me at the Verizon store to look at new phones. My Droid X was getting so old it's battery would die as soon as I tried to access the internet. It was getting really frustrating. I've been pricing phones and was about ready to buy a Samsung Note II but it's so big I wasn't sure how I'd feel holding that size of a phone up to my ear. When we went in they had a HTC DNA and I ended up getting it. I'm still getting it all customized to my preferences. I'm surprised that certain settings I thought would be easy to find really aren't easy at all to the point that sometimes I wonder if they're even an option at all. Considering how quickly I learn new technology that is saying something about the lack of user friendliness of this phone. I'm not sure I'm sold on it, but I'm still trying to see if it will work. I just really like Morotolla Droid phones, but there wasn't one with a larger screen and quad processors so it is fast like these.

Monday evening when I got home from lunch and saw how clean my house was I nearly cried. I didn't have much time to get ready for everyone coming for dinner. Victoria had already made some brownies to go with dinner which was a big help. It's hard to believe she's old enough to do that sort of thing, but she does a good job!

Betsey came over before the others so I could help her with a computer project she had to get ready for her Relief Society Meeting tonight. We got a good start on it before it was time to eat dinner. Right as dinner was finishing up we got a knock on the door and members of our ward and our ward before the split and neighbors and friends all came over. They'd lined our sidewalk and driveway with luminaries (white paper bags with sand and a votive candle lit inside). When I came out the luminaries were all glowing and they sang the first verse of "I Am A Child Of God". Tears were streaming down my face. When it was finished most of them came and hugged me and told me they loved me. I love this neighborhood! All these people are so dear to me and they're absolutely amazing! Some of Aimee's friends from school came and there were so many of the young women. I adore them!

I've felt Aimee here so much and so strongly. I miss her so much, but I'm so grateful for the knowledge that the Savior made it possible for us to be together again. I know she feels so loved, as do I.

Yesterday was a quiet day at home. I woke up feeling really run down with my sinuses extremely congested and fluid in both ears. I've been on the antibiotic Omnicef and it was helping, but I think the stress of everything just wore me out. I slept lots today and I feel somewhat better.

I received so many flowers and so many hugs and kindness my heart is full of love for those who have shown us so much love! I'm sure I've forgotten to mention many things, but each act of kindness has helped me get through this year of firsts.