Life is a Journey...

It's really hard for me to believe that 1 year has gone by. The last week was really hard. Two weeks ago I started having nightmares reliving the events of the last week of Aimee's life on Earth. After about a week of that I started getting better sleep without the nightmares, but still not really that great. During the day that week I was having flashbacks to what we were doing at that time a year ago. As you can imagine all of this really piqued my emotions. It was frustrating because logically I know I can't change the events and these nightmares and daymares weren't helping, but they'd come despite my knowledge of their futility. It has gotten better. Saturday we went to the cemetery to leave some flowers at Aimee's spot. We dug down about a foot and a half to find her marker. If we didn't know exactly where it was and the flowers from Christmas weren't there it would have been really hard to find. The flowers from Christmas were frozen in water ab...

Sometimes I feel so sad. I can’t believe it’s nearly been 6 months since my sweet girl returned to Heaven. It just feels so unreal, like it couldn’t possibly be true. I miss her so much! I miss her beautiful voice, her bubbly laughter and her spontaneity. I miss seeing her gorgeous auburn hair sparkle in the sun with fine strands of gold woven in with her natural curls. How can that audacious, opinionated, star be gone so far away to sparkle without me? It’s hard to continue on with traditions as old as she was. This year over the 4 th of July I just couldn’t take a family picture at the cabin before the rodeo. It seemed too much like all the years before. I missed hearing her ooos and aaahs over the fireworks, and posing for me to take her photo here and there over the long weekend.   At Thanksgiving when we were at the cabin we brought a new game for the Kinect. It was something about Disneyland, and you could “meet” the characters and go around the park and fly with P...

My car got smashed up yesterday. Garrett took it to a cub scout meeting yesterday morning before church and parked on the road in front of a house in our neighborhood. When the meeting was nearly done one of our neighbors from a few blocks away came to the door and asked who was driving the gray Toyota, Camry. When Garrett got home I asked how the meeting went and he said fine and then he turned back and told me that the car got a bit scratched up. He told me what happened and I went on doing what I was doing. When I went out to go to church and saw the damage I my jaw dropped. Calling it a little scratched up is like calling a tornado a little wind storm. Here is a photo. He did say that the rear view mirror was torn off, but the huge dents and the fact that the hub cap was destroyed was something he left out. The bumper and driver's side front door will have to be replaced. The back driver's side door may have to be replaced. Three of the four wheels are bent so they...

I'm not sure where to start. I still feel like I'm on a roller coaster, but the lows are less dramatic. I'm not sure there were real roller coaster like highs at all the last few months. However, I have been able to find happiness in life doing the things I enjoy. I still have my moments. Sometimes I break down and sob for 5 minutes. Then I get up and get back to focusing on the good things in life. I really miss my sweet Aimee girl! I miss her bubbly, creative, spontaneity. I miss her beautiful auburn hair and pretty, smiling face. I miss hearing her sing almost all day long. I do still feel her, but the ache in my chest seems to just be part of my life now. An ever present feeling that something is missing, or rather someone is missing. Ok, enough of that. It's making me feel like crying. I've really been enjoying the weather lately. I love to work in the yard. Last week just below my right ankle started hurting badly and I had the chiropractor look at it and ...

Today my sweet Aimee would have turned 18 years old. Tomorrow it will be 3 months since she went to heaven. Well technically Saturday it will be 3 months, but the 13th is always the hardest for me because that is when I knew her brain wouldn't recover. I remember praying late Thursday and early Friday that a miracle would happen. I knew without a doubt if it had been God's will she would have been healed. That was the first time I felt that much faith in the power of healing. I've always believed, but that time it was different somehow. I also knew I could trust in God's will and even though it ended up that she had to go ahead I knew He was aware and knows what was best. I just miss her so much! Me at the Oquirrh Mt. Temple holding Aimee's temple card I knew today would be a challenging day for me. To make it special we arranged to do Aimee's temple work today. When someone passes on they usually have to wait a year to have their temple work done. However,...

It's been awhile since I've posted. Things are still up and down for me. I sometimes feel guilty when I have good days. I think that is odd, but I try to remind myself that Aimee wouldn't want me to be miserable the rest of my life. It just feels like a betrayal to have a good day. I know that isn't true and I do combat those thoughts it's just another part of my grieving process. Next Thursday is Aimee's birthday. She would have been 18 years old. At times I feel cheated, but I know somehow, someday God will make it all right. We are going to do Aimee's temple work on her birthday. I'm really glad we're going to do something so positive on such a difficult day. I feel sad that it is the last thing I can do for her and in some ways want to save it for later, but I feel like this is the best thing for all of us. I don't want to stall her eternal progression and I think it will be wonderful to feel her so close in the temple that day! On Monday...

I thought that as time went on it would get easier and I wouldn't hurt so much, but honestly it's getting harder. It seems wrong to me that life can just go on as usual without Aimee here. I'm finding joy here and there, but it is all mixed in with sorrow. It's odd to me that such opposite emotions can coexist. I want to remember the happy times with Aimee and not focus so much on the absence, but that doesn't always work so well. Today I was looking at old videos and decided to edit one and post it here. Last year at Herriman High Aimee was in the Theater Showcase. She was so excited and chose to sing "I Know it's Today" from Shrek the Musical. Jann Boyer , Aimee's voice teacher, helped her pick out the song. We had fun going to Hale Theater's costume rental site and picking out the dress she wore. She also had some last minute rehearsals with Jann that she loved! Aimee did an amazing job performing this song! She has such a beautiful vo...

I've been struggling lately, but I guess that isn't anything new. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging onto small branches growing out of a muddy slope and I'm barely keeping from slipping into a deep dark hole. I feel guilty for struggling because of all the love and support I receive from everyone, especially my Savior. I know that there are angels bearing me up and I have been so blessed by family and friends that I sometimes think I "should" be handling this better. I've been told not to "should" on myself and I try not to. I recognize that I am doing the best I can and it is normal to suffer when enduring this kind of a trial. At times it's just really hard to know how to deal with all these varied emotions. I am trying to give my self some slack and not expect perfection, but it has always been my nature to seek perfection. Sometimes my heart aches so badly I feel that the only thing keeping it from literally breaking into pieces is the ...

Today the kids were talking about being "pruney" after being in the bathtub and Toria mentioned how Garrett calls her "Prunella" when she gets that way. I asked if she knew where that started and she said no. When Aimee was little we were reading some of the Author books and there was a character named Prunella in them. One day when she got out of the bath she commented on how wrinkly her hands and feet were. I told her she looked pruney and then I called her Prunella. She didn't love that character but we thought it was funny so the nickname resurfaced whenever she had pruney skin and continued on with the other kids. Today we decided that Aaron could be Prunello when he's pruney. I've been thinking about how important memories are. That is why I'm trying to post memories of Aimee each week. My cousin gave me a pretty glass decoration with this quote on it: "When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure." That...

I started coughing last Friday and over the weekend it turned into bronchitis. I'd had some sinus stuff bugging me for a couple weeks so I guess it finally turned into something. I'm on an antibiotic and I'm hoping that will help it go away quickly, but I'm also trying to rest as well. That is other than today because I went to lunch with my Scrap Girls friends at the Cheesecake Factory. I love that place! I had my favorite Thai Lettuce Wraps and a raspberry swirl cheesecake with a chocolate cookie crust. Mmmmm! Then I went shopping with one of my friends and found a new yellow shirt. Fun! Then I came home and promptly fell into bed and slept for 2.5 hours. I feel better now, but I know I over did it. My sweet hubby fixed breakfast for dinner and got the kids to do their homework. I have the best husband in the world! I've been missing Aimee lots and lots! We went to the cemetery Monday and decorated her spot for St. Patrick's day. I had hoped to take the ki...

When Aimee was very small I loved reading to her. Some of her favorite books were the Dr. Seuss books. She had me read them to her so many times that even as a teen she and I would giggle and repeat the words of different parts when we'd hear something that sounded like part of one of them. Aimee loved One Fish Two Fish, Hop on Pop and Fox in Socks! I loved reading the bit in the Fox in Socks about the tweedle beetles. "When tweedle beetles battle it's a tweedle beetle battle..." So many fun memories reading to the kids! We also loved the Dr. Seuss ABC book. I loved the part about "Aunt Annie's alligator" and Aimee and I would always giggle and talk about how we didn't think that Aunt Annie (ours, my sweet Nettie) would ride an alligator. I also loved the "Zans" part and how it opened cans. I told all of my kids when I'd read that part that I didn't think I'd like having one of those in my house. lol When she was about 2 y...

I finally copied the pictures from Aimee's camera to my computer. She was enrolled in a photography class while we were on our vacation to California in October, and she was trying to get some good ocean and beach photos. We only made it to the beach two times and the last day it was really cold and rainy. The first day it was just really cold. The photo below is of the last day. Aimee and I took a walk down the beach while Garrett and the kids played in the water. Burrr! She was trying to get a good picture of the waves crashing on the rock in the photo above. When she finally got the spray she was looking for she jumped up and down and ran to show me the picture on the viewer on her camera. This is the photo she was so pleased with. I think she did a good job! I really miss how excited she'd get and how she'd include me and want to show me her latest discovery or accomplishment. Her enthusiasm was contagious and her smile and spontaneity made life so fun! I really m...

For some reason when I hear the words "head stone" or "grave" they just seem so harsh and cold. I decided to use the words marker and spot instead. Garrett and I ordered Aimee's marker on the 15th and it should be in place by her birthday, April 12th. It will have a cameo (photo on tile) on it, but that takes longer to come in so I'm hoping that will be here by my birthday/Mother's day. The bronze marker sits on granite with a 4 inch border of the granite surrounding it. It will have a separate heart shaped granite above it with a vase on that. The image below shows what the basic shapes will be on the bronze. It will be a dark bronze with the text and other emblems polished to a lighter shiney bronze. It was really hard to pick everything out. It just felt so final. I feel weird saying that because death is the most final thing I can think of, but somehow picking out the marker made it even more real. When Aimee was a little girl and and I divo...

It's been nearly two weeks since I've posted. I have been avoiding posting because I've been struggling and missing Aimee so much lately. We've been blessed with so much kindness from family and friends. We have such a great ward family and they've been so supportive! Before Valentine's day one of the groups of Achievement day girls "hearted" our door and left some cupcakes, rang the doorbell and ran. It was so sweet and cute! (The pink and red hearts on the door were from the Achievement Day girls.) Then on Valentine's day my sister Katie had watched our kids while Garrett and I went on a date and we came home to more hearts from the young women. Earlier that day a sister in our ward dropped off a sweet note for me with a bag of cinnamon bears. I love cinnamon bears! Also Aimee's two friends "the Kelsies" dropped a Valentine by for me. It was a cocoa mug with a teddy bear in it with treats. It was so sweet of them! With all t...

Early in the morning Friday the 13th of January 2012 the doctor's administered phenobarbital to put Aimee into a deep coma in the hopes of reducing her brain pressure. At 6am Friday morning it hadn't helped to reduce the pressure so they stopped the medicine that was keeping her brain in it's deepest sleep. Phenobarbital takes at least 24 hours to leave the body and it has to be out of the system before the doctor's can do an apnea test to see if the patient can breathe on their own.

Today it has been one month since the most difficult day of my life. It may seem confusing that the 14th isn't the day that I would feel this way because that is the day my sweet Aimee's heart stopped beating and when the world marks her departure. For me it was when I received the witness that her spirit had left her body and her brain was beyond repair by human means. That is when I knew her struggle here was finished and that our Father in Heaven had called her home. I'm grateful that He allowed her to linger a little longer so her siblings and many others could come and hold her warm hand and tenderly kiss our sweet angel's cheek before her physical body went peacefully to it's mortal rest. The events of that day and those surrounding it keep playing through my mind. So many feelings, impressions, memories of words spoken, facial expressions, tender touches and so much more flood my memory. I feel sad, grateful, loved, carried and like my heart will break apar...

I intended to upload the Audio Recording of Aimee's Funeral shortly after the proceedings, but when I got the CD over a week and a half ago I just wasn't ready to listen to it yet. I remember feeling really uplifted and so grateful for the music and talks, but it seemed like listening to it would make her death more final somehow. I'm sure that doesn't really make sense, but I'm sure I'll be listening to it many times from now on. The recording was edited to start after the opening prayer, and end before the closing prayer. I removed most of the pauses between the songs and speakers, and it is a lower quality recording because it is about an hour and 9 minutes long so otherwise it would take a long time to download. The best way to listen to the recording is to save a copy of the recording to your computer you'll need to download it by right clicking on the link below and choosing "Save link as..." or "Save target as..." and then choo...

Today was a good day. It started off really early for me. I woke up at about 4:30 am and was wide awake. It definitely was not a usual start to my morning. After realizing I wasn't going to fall back asleep right away I stayed in bed and read "Goose Girl" until about 7 am. (Garrett is a much earlier riser than I am so he just got up for the day) Then I took an early morning nap for about 2 hours. I took the kids to swimming lessons and then came home to get ready to go to lunch with some friends from our ward. We had a good, long visit and yummy soup and salad at the Olive Garden. I came home and worked on some web design stuff for a bit and then my sister, Katie, and her kids came over. We cooked dinner together and then her husband Jeff got here and we all ate dinner together. We were going to go to the gym and have the guys watch the kids, but instead after we'd fixed, eaten and cleaned up dinner we all played hide and go seek in our basement in the dark. The p...

I'm finding that grief is much like an emotional roller coaster without the exciting thrills. The "highs" seem to be when I'm functioning on a somewhat "normal" level. I feel an almost literal struggle to emotionally climb to the top of the hill and then something seemingly insignificant is able to send me rushing downward fighting gravity again. Simple things like cancelling an appointment for Aimee that was scheduled months ago can cause the reality of her absence to smack me in the face. I went to the temple today and I didn't want to leave. I feel peace there, and yet I know I have other things I need to attend to as well. I don't want to miss spending time with my other children, but it is an effort to smile, let alone want to do something I would have previously enjoyed. I feel guilty I'm not more fun to be with, and yet I know it's somehow reasonable. I started reading The Birth We Call Death by Paul H. Dunn and Richard M. Eyre an...

We took our kids to the hematology department at Primary Children's Hospital yesterday. It was a really good appointment. I do feel better. I learned some things about factor V leiden (pronounced: factor 5 lie-den) and avoiding blood clots that I thought I'd summarize here. The first thing I found interesting is that activated protein C resistance is usually the first test used to see if someone may have a clotting disorder like factor V leiden. It is a less expensive way to find out if they need to do the more expensive test to find out if you have factor V leiden or another clotting disorder. If you test normal on the apc test (activated protein c test) then you don't need to do further testing. If you show a resistance in the apc test then they have other tests they can do to find out if you have a clotting disorder like factor V leiden. Secondly, each time a child is created they receive 1 gene from each parent for multiple things. Since I have factor V leiden heter...