Putting on a happy face

The last few days have been really hard. I am trying to "put on a happy face" in pubic (social media, in person, etc.). It's not that I'm lying or trying to deceive anyone. I just think that it is tiring to be around someone who is constantly an emotional drain. I also believe the saying "fake it until you make it" and I'm hoping the positivism will stick around if I put it out there. Although I don't put up a positive front consistently anywhere. It just may be more of what you see in public.

I do let myself cry and I usually do that several times a day right now. Sometimes I'll actually sob and let it all out for awhile, but I don't like to do that for long. It makes my eyes sore and gives me a headache and doesn't seem to lessen the pain as much as it just drains me. I miss her so much it literally hurts sometimes.

I know she's popping in to check on me and the rest of the family, but I guess I'm greedy because I want to hug her physical being and look in her eyes and hear her voice. My heart aches for the loss of my friend, my daughter.

Great, just typing this is making me nearly sob. Maybe this isn't a good idea...

I do trust God's will, but I realized through all this I can trust Him without liking it. That was an epiphany for me. Maybe I'm supposed to like His will, but in this I think God wouldn't blame me for disliking it.

I'm trying to focus on my gratitude for the comfort I've felt from the prayers offered on my behalf and the many tender mercies of the Lord. I feel most at peace when I do that, but sometimes I just feel nearly inconsolable. Then I pray and seek a distraction.

Keeping busy helps, but I don't want to ignore the reality of my loss and that of my other children and everyone else who lost her. I think it is a balancing act and sometimes I feel completely unsteady.

I think that talking about this will help me. I warn you though, it may not always be "pretty", but I hope to keep it real.

~Wendee

Posting about this journey

Initially I started this blog just to update family and friends about how Aimee was doing at the hospital. Since things didn't turn out as I'd hoped and Aimee is now with our Father in Heaven I've begun a new journey. Traveling with grief is something I've done before. I don't imagine it is something anyone would choose, but in this frail mortal existence it seems that everyone will eventually experience it. I've decided to share some of my thoughts along the way in the hopes that it may help someone when they must submit to a similar experience.

That being said, I'm still planning on posting memories of Aimee here as well as photos and more videos. I'm thinking about creating a "sister blog" as a remembrance of Aimee's journey. If I do that I'll post a link here for those who wish to only see posts in remembrance of Aimee.

So I guess this is the start...

Photo Video

My Sister-In-Law, Janae Bingham, is a photographer and she put together this video that we displayed at the viewings. So many adorable pictures of my darling girl! It's a tear jerker so grab a tissue.

Layouts of Aimee and Our Family

My co-workers at ScrapGirls.com made the digital scrapbooking layouts used to create the video in the previous post. Here is a link to view the individual layouts. When viewing the individual layouts you can increase the time each layout is displayed by clicking on the (+) at the bottom or simply click on the pause (") button and then use the arrow buttons to navigate to the next layout. If the buttons disappear move your mouse across the layout on the screen and they should reappear.

Below is a sample of the layouts.

Just looking at these beautiful layouts makes me smile!

~Wendee

btw if you are family or a close friend and would like printable copies just let me know and I'll get them to you.

UPDATE: My cousin said she couldn't view the additional layouts so I'm working to get all the layouts uploaded to the Scrap Girls Gallery and will post links as I do so. They will be shared below:

Legoland 2006
Aimee and baby Aaron 2003

Video of Digital Scrapbook Layouts for Aimee's Viewing and Funeral

So many thanks to Brandy Murray for coordinating the creation of the layouts and creating the video! Thanks to all the Scrap Girls' product and layout designers who made layouts for me for this wonderful video. Looking through these layouts makes me smile! It's wonderful to have your friends as coworkers!

~Wendee

Thank you!

I have never felt such an out pouring of love and kindness. All the prayers, service and love that everyone has given are so truly appreciated! I am so glad to have such wonderful family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances and even strangers in my life who are such an example of Christlike love.

I am planning to post the videos and layouts and additional memories of Aimee here once the funeral is over so that Aimee's memory will live on.

Much love,
Wendee

Aimee's Obituary

Aimee Lynne Henline
Beloved Daughter

Aimee Lynne Henline, age 17, our beloved daughter, sister,granddaughter, niece, cousin and friend returned home to her Saviorand Heavenly Parents on Saturday, January 14, 2012, at 11:59 p.m. Shemade it home by curfew. She passed away surrounded by many loved onesat the University of Utah Hospital from an unexpected blood clot inher brain. Aimee fought valiantly and was so brave. She was like ashooting star that amazed us with her beauty, but she was only in ourmidst for a short time before she ascended into another realm.

Aimee was born on April 12, 1994, to Wendee Lynne Pease and Ken Henline. She is survived by her parents, Wendee and Garrett Pease, and Ken and Emily Henline. She is also survived by her sister, VictoriaPease, and brothers, Aaron Pease, Joseph Henline, and Zachary Henline.She is also survived by her grandparents and numerous aunts, uncles,cousins and friends who loved her dearly. She is now enjoying thecompany of her Aunt Angee and other loved ones in heaven.

Aimee was an active and faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christof Latter-day Saints and loved participating in the Young Women'sOrganization in her ward. Her greatest desire when planning activitieswas that everyone felt included. She had a great love for thescriptures and found that as she read them, her pains and the cares ofthe world would lessen.

In her senior year at Herriman High School, she especially enjoyed hertheatre class and theatre-related activities. Aimee treasured spendingtime with her wonderful friends. She was so very talented and loved tosing, act, dance, and entertain whenever she could. On her Facebookpage, she wrote: "I'm so happy I want to sing till I lose my voice andhum till I get it back." She loved theatre and put all she had intothe different roles she played. As a child, she played the perfectpart as Annie with her curly red hair and her feisty personality. Sheloved working on crafts, especially with her mom. Wendee and Aimeewere very close and one of the last things she told her mom was"you're my best friend." Together, mother and daughter formed abeautiful duet and their singing provided much joy. Aimee, we'll bewatching for you in the Heavenly Chorus of Angels!

At family gatherings, she loved to have a baby in her arms andchildren playing around her. She loved spending time with her familyand cousins, and they enjoyed many fun and happy times together. Sheconsidered her cousins as her most treasured friends. She loved beingwith her family and hated to see the party breaking up when it wastime to go home.

Aimee had a very strong spirit and always kept life interesting.Something we all loved about Aimee was, whether easy or hard, she didthings her own way. She could talk you into almost anything she puther mind to. Her favorite word was "amazing" and she used itfrequently. We think she is one of the most amazing people we willever know. Aimee loved giving service and her final act of service wasto donate to the Intermountain Donation Services with the hope ofhelping others.

Funeral services will be held Thursday, January 19, 2012, at 11:00a.m. at the LDS Stake Center located at 11685 South Kestrel Rise Road(4500 West) in South Jordan, Utah. A viewing will be held Wednesday,January 18, from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. at the Church and from 9:30 to10:30 a.m. on Thursday, prior to services at the Church. Funeral andburial arrangements are being made through Memorial Estates Mortuary,3115 East 7800 South. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made toZion's Bank under the Aimee Lynne Henline donation account to helpassist her family with medical expenses.

Aimee, we love you and will miss you, but Heaven will be even more amazing with you there!

Published in Deseret News on January 18, 2012

Funeral Details

Aimee's funeral will be held on Thursday, January 19th at 11:00 am at:

Founders Park Stake Building
11685 S. Kestrel Rise
South Jordan, UT

There will be a viewing Wednesday, January 18th at the stake center from 6:30 pm until 8:30 pm and Thursday morning from 9:00 am until 10:30 am.

Flowers can be delivered to the stake center at 4:00 pm Wednesday.

Aimee's favorite color is yellow. Many of us will be wearing yellow to these services.

Thank you all for your support and kindness.

Sympathy cards can be sent to the family at:

Wendee and Garrett Pease
5932 Soapstone Circle
South Jordan, Utah 84095

Friday Update

I'm sorry if we didn't get you called and you find out this way, but my sweet Aimee didn't surive. She's still on a respirator so her heart is beating but she's not with us. I'm really struggling right now.

We haven't told our younger kids yet and I need to get some sleep so I can think. I'll try to post again later today.

later, but still early Friday morning

While the procedure went well and they were able to clear some of the clotting away, all is not done. A CT scan after the procedure showed that some of the key clots were cleared, but there was still a lot of clots and more bleeding. There pressure was high enough that bleeding continued in the spinal cortex region.

At one point, after being moved back to the critical care unit, Aimee had a heart attack because the pressure in her head was still too high. The doctors were there and her blood pressure dropped to 0 for only a few seconds before they were able to assist the heart. At that point, they decided that the best thing to reduce the pressure was medicate her into a deep coma.

That is where things are right now. Aimee appears to be resting peacefully as the doctors watch. It is now a time to wait and see what will happen next. As one Doctor put it, she is in the woods and we are taking things hour by hour.

We are hoping and praying for the best.

Friday Early Morning Update

Aimee made it through the surgery! She is a real fighter and God has blessed us with a miracle. I'm so grateful and amazed!

The surgeon was able to clear out the clots with the catheter and the angio and put in the heparin tube. They took her to get another CT scan right after and are currently settling her in her room in Neuro ICU at the University Hospital. They may have to perform the surgery again or one similar in the morning, but now she has a chance and there is a way for the blood to exit her brain and relieve the pressure.

I am so relieved and can't wait to get in to see her.

Thursday Evening Update

Things have changed dramatically over the last few hours. They did a CT scan and found that the clots had grown quite a bit and that she had a stroke. So she has a bleed in her brain. She is currently in surgery at the U in Interventional Radiology. They are trying to break up and suck out the clots. They will then put a tube in to release the heparin directly into the spot where the clots are so her body can prevent more from forming and to help dissolve the remainders. The surgery will likely take at least 3 or 4 hours.

Your prayers are truly appreciated.

Thursday Afternoon Update

Here are a few of the details. The lumbar drain went in well, but her blood pressure and stress response got really bad after they started draining the cerebral spinal fluid. Part way through the night she was so agitated that it took 5 of us including a big man to hold her down so she didn't thrash around so much to pull out her drain. After that they sedated her more and those drugs didn't seem to work well because she wasn't responding to us so we could see how she was actually doing. She was having breathing problems and it just got worse. By morning (my early morning - 7 am) they had decided to take the drain out.

They had to sedate her again for removing the lumbar drain and it again made her really non-responsive and have more breathing problems. Later in the morning, I think about 10am, the doctors decided to take her off all the medicines including the pain meds so they could get her back to a baseline and get her responding to us and answering questions again.

It took a few hours for the meds to wear off, but she got back to answering questions and was talking somewhat clearly. She's still a bit slurred in her speech, but could count fingers correctly and answer questions. She'll follow directions and give an opinion (argue) which is a wonderful thing to hear. (I'm not sure I'll be saying that once we're home again.)

They got enough responses that they were able to give her morphine again and just gave her a milder sedative that really helped with the pain and her anxiety response. I'm feeling like she's getting back to where she was before the lumbar drain. It's taking some time, but she's starting to gain ground again.

She's going to have a CTV scan (a CAT scan the focuses on the veins) in a few minutes and she's finally sleeping and breathing more normally. She responds when we try to arouse her and can even help slide herself up the bed. So things aren't as worrisome as they were earlier today and last night. It's been one difficult morning.

Please keep praying for Aimee, us, her doctors and that she'll heal well. I truly appreciate all your support and love!

~Wendee

Thursday First Update

Things went really badly shortly after I posted last night. Lots of prayers would be really helpful! We've had a really rough 18 hours. I'm going to try to post more, but things have been changing really quickly the last while without a break.

Wednesday Night Update

The Lumbar Drain Procedure went really well. They were able to do it without intubating her. YAY! She's still very drowsy, but she did very good throughout the procedure. They drained some of the csf (cerebral spinal fluid) and will do so each hour. They won't start the heparin again until at least tomorrow. Now they can start her on oral meds again and if she'd like to eat she can start that as soon as she finishes waking up.

~Wendee

Wednesday Late Afternoon Update

We're counting down to the Lumbar Drain. Aimee is hoping it will help with her pain. We got her beautiful auburn hair brushed out and in a pony tail on top of her head and braided. She just got another dose of morphine for the pain and they're going to give her some platelets before the procedure. I'm really praying this goes off without a hitch so she can do it with the local instead of general anesthesia. She's being so brave and I keep telling her she's a little warrior princess fighting the pain and to get better.

We found out she has tested positive for some blood disorders. We're going to be adding a hematologist to the treatment team. What the tests amount to is that she was predisposed to form clots because of the blood disorders. I guess it's just one more piece of the puzzle.

So far the test for Lupas have come back negative though so I'm glad of that.

~Wendee

Wednesday Afternoon Update

They've decided to do the Lumbar Drain to relieve the pressure in her brain. This will hopefully allow her optic nerve to begin healing and prevent the pressure from building up so much again. They're hoping to perform the procedure somewhat like an epidural using a local anesthesia. If that doesn't work then they'll intubate her and completely sedate her to complete it. I feel like this is a good thing and we're hopeful that it will relieve her back pain as well.

She won't be able to eat for the next few hours to prepare for the procedure, but she doesn't seem to be hungry so I guess her milk shakes will have to wait until later. ;)

Right now she's talking in her sleep about being the referee and how she's pausing the game and starting the game. Partly this is due to the multitude of medicines she's on, but she does usually talk in her sleep so that's not anything they're worried about.

If you could pray that this procedure goes well and that her doctors will be able to help her heal and recover that would be really appreciated! Thanks again for all the love and support and prayers!

~Wendee

Wednesday's Mid Day Update

Things are going well. Aimee ate part of a chocolate milk shake and some french fries for lunch today. Her doctors want her eating salty foods. So lunch was "just what the doctor ordered". This is the only time I've ever heard of a doctor thinking drinking a milk shake multiple times a day is a good thing.

She's still in the ICU and is quite sedated, but arouses enough to eat and such. She'll probably stay here through today and maybe be moved back to the NTU (neuro trauma unit) tomorrow, but that is dependent on how she does over the next while.

The ophthalmologist examined her a few minutes ago and her vision in her left eye has worsened. They're using her eye exams to help them know how the pressure in her head is doing. It looks like it hasn't come down enough to take the pressure off her optic nerve which is a concern. They're talking about doing a lp (lumbar puncture/spinal tap) or a lumbar drain but they've been discussing that for the last day or so. It's sounding more like they'll do that, but we'll see.

btw her diagnosis is sinus venus thrombosis (blood clot in the veins exiting the brain) and nerve 6 palsey in both eyes (the nerve that moves her eyes is not working right which is causing double vision, etc).

Wednesday Morning Update

Aimee is sleeping now and had a good night. She's doing well on the Heparin and is also taking a medicine to reduce the pressure in her brain and they seem to be helping.

Yesterday was a really rough day so it's good to see her comfortable and able to rest. In the afternoon yesterday she was moved to the ICU and she was having some major pain issues and disorientation. Now that she's on scheduled pain meds and has the Valium and break through pain meds available she's much more comfortable and hasn't had another episode of confused responses. She has her own nurse that is in with us almost constantly and is monitoring her. They're taking really good care of her.

Last night she started drinking juice and in the middle of the night she even had a milk shake. That is the first "food" she's had since Sunday. They've been keeping her very hydrated with iv fluids, but it's good to see her having a desire to eat and drink again.

Thanks again for all your prayers, love and support! It means the word to us to have such supportive family and friends! If you're not comfortable posting a comment feel free to email me and I'll pass the message along to Aimee and respond as I have time. Love to you all!

~Wendee

Tuesday's Afternoon Update

They have started to give Aimee medicine (heparin) to thin her blood and work on the blood clot. The doctors will be monitoring the impact of this medicine as well as her pain. They believe the medicine will slowly work on the clot and clear things up. As the clot clears up, so should her headaches and all of the other troubles.

Tuesday's Mid Day Update

The plan has remained the same since early this morning. All the teams of doctors are in agreement that it is a blood clot in the vessels exiting her brain. They started her on scheduled pain meds so there should be less break through pain and they just started her on Valium to help with the anxiety, muscle tension and allow her to rest better. They're going to start her on a blood thinner in the next little while.

She had a rather rough morning. She was in lots of pain and had some difficulty with nausea after the sedation from the MRIs. The clots are also causing pressure on the area of the brain that causes nausea so she's taking Phenergan (anti-nausea med) to help with that. She's finally sleeping and seems to be much less tense so it's a relief to see her getting some relief from the pain and the anxiety.

Tuesday's Early Morning Update

The radiologists reviewed the MRIs and they now think that it doesn't appear that she has too much cerebral spinal fluid. Sunday they thought that was a subdural hematoma (small bleed in between the brain and skull). They now think that the vessels that take the blood away from the brain are clogged with a clot. They think that Aimee was not drinking enough water recently and the dehydration caused the blood to thicken in those vessels. This means that there is plenty of blood going into the brain, but it's having a hard time leaving which again is causing pressure.

Their plan is to keep her on iv fluids and get her really hydrated and possibly start some blood thinners tomorrow. They aren't planning on doing a spinal tap at this point, but that could change.

Monday's Updates

I thought it would be much easier to update everyone using a blog than to try to call and talk to everyone about what is going on. I feel really grateful for all the support you've all given in calling and emailing and texting. I'm sorry I haven't been as responsive as I wish I could have. Things have been very crazy!

So if you don't know what's been going on here are the basics. Aimee has been having migraines for a couple months and they've been escalating. It's been quite debilitating and she's missed lots of school because of the pain she's been in. We hadn't been able to find any answers as to what was causing the headaches or how to stop them.

Yesterday afternoon she became very disoriented, her speech was slurred, she was seeing double, was dizzy and couldn't stand on her own. I took her to the ER and after doing a CT scan they found a subdural hematoma (she has a very small bleed in her brain).

Sunday night I rode with her in the back of the ambulance as she was transferred to Primary Children's Hospital. We spent the night here and all day today. She has a huge team of doctors working to help her. They don't have any absolute answers yet, but they've got some good leads that they're working on validating.

They think she may have too much cerebral spinal fluid which would be putting pressure on her brain and causing the symptoms she's been having including the headaches. Tonight she had several MRIs under anesthesia. They tried to perform the scans earlier without the anesthesia but she wasn't able to hold still enough. They're evaluating the scans now and are trying to make sure the bleed isn't increasing. They may do a spinal tap tomorrow to release some of the fluid and allow them to test the spinal fluid.

I'll try to post updates here throughout the day so I can keep everyone interested informed. You can leave Aimee and I messages here and I'll pass them onto her.

Thanks a bunch for all your love, concern, support and prayers!