1 Year Mark

It's really hard for me to believe that 1 year has gone by. The last week was really hard. Two weeks ago I started having nightmares reliving the events of the last week of Aimee's life on Earth. After about a week of that I started getting better sleep without the nightmares, but still not really that great. During the day that week I was having flashbacks to what we were doing at that time a year ago. As you can imagine all of this really piqued my emotions. It was frustrating because logically I know I can't change the events and these nightmares and daymares weren't helping, but they'd come despite my knowledge of their futility. It has gotten better.

Saturday we went to the cemetery to leave some flowers at Aimee's spot. We dug down about a foot and a half to find her marker. If we didn't know exactly where it was and the flowers from Christmas weren't there it would have been really hard to find. The flowers from Christmas were frozen in water about half way up the vase. Garrett cut the dead flowers out and left the green sparkly swirly things and the pine-cone and we put some of the new yellow and red roses into the vase. Since we had to cut them so short we thought it would be more likely they'd blow out so we poured in a bit more water to freeze the new ones in place.

I'm glad that it wasn't bitter cold with deep snow like this last year. We'd planned for the cold and worn appropriate clothes so it wasn't bad and thankfully the wind wasn't too bad. We even brought a sled to sit on by her spot. It was a good thing we had it because on the way out my short legs kept getting stuck up to the thigh on the mound by the road so Garrett had me get on the sled and he pulled me out.

Aaron didn't want to come to the cemetery. I asked him why and told him it was't wrong not to want to come, but that I was just curious as to why. He said when he goes to the cemetery he feels like he's going to get a clot soon and die young too. I again explained that it is so unlikely that this would happen to him, but I can't seem to assuage his anxiety. I need to get him back in to see a therapist. The last therapist just wasn't a very good fit so I've got some new names now.

He did end up coming, not because he was forced, but he didn't come over to her spot and when the battery died on the dvd player he had a melt down. It breaks my heart.

Victoria is doing ok. I think she's in the anger stage of grief and feeling guilty. She tries to put up a happy facade, and does well enough for acquaintances but I also need to get her into a therapist. I'm not sure how either of them will respond to that, but I think it will be helpful in the long term.

Saturday night Michelle Stanley came to sit with the kids and my brother Ryan and his wife Janae brought their two youngest to play with the kids while we went to the temple. My parents, Ryan and Janae, Betsey and Caleb and Garrett and I all went to a session and then went to the Olive Garden for dinner afterward. Katie is expecting and wasn't feeling very well so she and Jeff stayed at home.

Sunday was excruciating. I found out Aimee was brain dead on Friday the 13th of January 2012 between 10 am and noon which was right during our 9 am to noon church block this year. I went to church because I felt it would be better than wallowing in bed with everyone else at church. I need the emotional strength that I received from everyone there. I felt better after going, but I hope those seeing me cry so much understood. There were so many reminders in Sacrament meeting that by the time the closing song, "I Know that My Redeemer Lives" was sung I had tears streaming down my face.

I didn't teach primary  this week with Garrett. I asked if he would find a sub and he found someone to sit with him while he taught. He said since I'd be in Relief Society half the time he wasn't sure what good he'd be able to do by getting a sub for both of us. I felt like he was being a Vulcan again and I think I even told him so. Thankfully Adrian Paschal stayed with me in the chapel through most of Sunday school and when she went to Young Women's I was able to attend Relief Society and feel the love of the other sisters there.

I came home after church and slept for about 3 hours. We went to my parents' home for a family dinner and the kids put together a play of Aimee's life. It was something they came up with all on their own. It was really sweet. Aubree and Victoria were the narators and Chloe came in as me with a doll that was Aimee. Then Josie came in as Aimee as a child. They wanted her to sing a song like Aimee always did, but she was too teary to do it. I don't think they did any other scenes of Aimee's life, but we ended by having everyone sing "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow". Many of us were crying, but it was really sweet.

Monday my visiting teachers, Lindsey Tobler and Renay Steel came and helped me clean up our home so we could have family over for dinner that night. We hadn't finished by the time I needed to get ready to meet my sisters for lunch so they came back and cleaned more with Kristin LeBaron. It was so kind of them. I've been struggling so hard with depression that I haven't gotten much done around here. It was so cluttered and they were so sweet to help me! Garrett had taken the day off and he helped lots too.

I went to lunch at Zupas with my sisters Betsey, Katie and  Janae who is like one of my sisters, just through marriage to my brother. We sat and talked for quite awhile. I was surprised at how it was so much less busy than the other times I've been there, but was grateful that it was quiet enough for us to talk.

Janae needed a ride home, but she stopped with me at the Verizon store to look at new phones. My Droid X was getting so old it's battery would die as soon as I tried to access the internet. It was getting really frustrating. I've been pricing phones and was about ready to buy a Samsung Note II but it's so big I wasn't sure how I'd feel holding that size of a phone up to my ear. When we went in they had a HTC DNA and I ended up getting it. I'm still getting it all customized to my preferences. I'm surprised that certain settings I thought would be easy to find really aren't easy at all to the point that sometimes I wonder if they're even an option at all. Considering how quickly I learn new technology that is saying something about the lack of user friendliness of this phone. I'm not sure I'm sold on it, but I'm still trying to see if it will work. I just really like Morotolla Droid phones, but there wasn't one with a larger screen and quad processors so it is fast like these.

Monday evening when I got home from lunch and saw how clean my house was I nearly cried. I didn't have much time to get ready for everyone coming for dinner. Victoria had already made some brownies to go with dinner which was a big help. It's hard to believe she's old enough to do that sort of thing, but she does a good job!

Betsey came over before the others so I could help her with a computer project she had to get ready for her Relief Society Meeting tonight. We got a good start on it before it was time to eat dinner. Right as dinner was finishing up we got a knock on the door and members of our ward and our ward before the split and neighbors and friends all came over. They'd lined our sidewalk and driveway with luminaries (white paper bags with sand and a votive candle lit inside). When I came out the luminaries were all glowing and they sang the first verse of "I Am A Child Of God". Tears were streaming down my face. When it was finished most of them came and hugged me and told me they loved me. I love this neighborhood! All these people are so dear to me and they're absolutely amazing! Some of Aimee's friends from school came and there were so many of the young women. I adore them!

I've felt Aimee here so much and so strongly. I miss her so much, but I'm so grateful for the knowledge that the Savior made it possible for us to be together again. I know she feels so loved, as do I.

Yesterday was a quiet day at home. I woke up feeling really run down with my sinuses extremely congested and fluid in both ears. I've been on the antibiotic Omnicef and it was helping, but I think the stress of everything just wore me out. I slept lots today and I feel somewhat better.

I received so many flowers and so many hugs and kindness my heart is full of love for those who have shown us so much love! I'm sure I've forgotten to mention many things, but each act of kindness has helped me get through this year of firsts.

Nearly 6 Months

Sometimes I feel so sad. I can’t believe it’s nearly been 6 months since my sweet girl returned to Heaven. It just feels so unreal, like it couldn’t possibly be true. I miss her so much! I miss her beautiful voice, her bubbly laughter and her spontaneity. I miss seeing her gorgeous auburn hair sparkle in the sun with fine strands of gold woven in with her natural curls. How can that audacious, opinionated, star be gone so far away to sparkle without me?

It’s hard to continue on with traditions as old as she was. This year over the 4^th of July I just couldn’t take a family picture at the cabin before the rodeo. It seemed too much like all the years before. I missed hearing her ooos and aaahs over the fireworks, and posing for me to take her photo here and there over the long weekend.  

At Thanksgiving when we were at the cabin we brought a new game for the Kinect. It was something about Disneyland, and you could “meet” the characters and go around the park and fly with Peter Pan and stuff like that. She played it for so many hours that her arms were really sore the next day. I remember seeing her face when she was done and how much she’d enjoyed it. She kept asking me to come and see it and for some dumb reason or another I only ended up coming done for a very few minutes. I wish I’d taken more time with her.

I say that and then I realize that this weekend I didn’t spend much time with my two other kids and everyone else. I kept working on my computer because then I didn’t have to think about how much it hurts and how much I miss her. Maybe I’ll go out and try to play for awhile.

Planting and a Wax Museum

I'm not sure where to start. I still feel like I'm on a roller coaster, but the lows are less dramatic. I'm not sure there were real roller coaster like highs at all the last few months. However, I have been able to find happiness in life doing the things I enjoy. I still have my moments. Sometimes I break down and sob for 5 minutes. Then I get up and get back to focusing on the good things in life.

I really miss my sweet Aimee girl! I miss her bubbly, creative, spontaneity. I miss her beautiful auburn hair and pretty, smiling face. I miss hearing her sing almost all day long. I do still feel her, but the ache in my chest seems to just be part of my life now. An ever present feeling that something is missing, or rather someone is missing. Ok, enough of that. It's making me feel like crying.

I've really been enjoying the weather lately. I love to work in the yard. Last week just below my right ankle started hurting badly and I had the chiropractor look at it and my massage therapist worked on it and then I finally had an x-ray and the diagnosis was tendinitis. I am taking lots of ibuprofen and it's helping some. However, the thing that helped the most was jumping on my shovel with the foot supports. lol Ya, I know I should be careful and not over do it, but that is not who I am.

On Wednesday I had the chance to take a bunch of plants from a neighbor's yard. She'd been telling me that I should take them for months and I felt weird about it. To make a long story short there is a divorce involved and they've been in and out of the house. It's really sad. They used to take such amazing care of their yard and now it looks awful. I don't think it's been watered this year. They are going to let it go in a short sale because they're upside down on it financially. We've had other homes go like that in our subdivision and the grass and plants all die as well as most of the trees. It's really sad.

Earlier in the day Wednesday some people none of us recognized came and started taking the plants and bushes and stuff. When they left the neighbors in the circle realized that if we were going to take any of the plants we should hop on it. I still felt weird, but since she'd told me over and over I could take anything I wanted I finally decided to do it. Wednesday I dug up lots of plants and brought them to my house where they could get water and tlc. We didn't take everything, and almost all the trees are still there.

I think I'm going to water their trees and mow the lawn and spray for weeds so it doesn't get as bad as the house on the corner did. The people in the corner house are just starting to put the yard in. It was abandoned when I moved in. That one's yard wasn't taken care of for three years. It finally was purchased last year. I'm glad it will finally get looking good again. I just don't want to see another home in my circle go that same route. Especially not the one right next to me. I hope the bank will get it sold soon so we can get some neighbors in there who will take care of it.

Anyway, after digging things up for several hours Wednesday I started planting here for a total of four hours that day. When I first went over there I was hobbling. Once I decided I was going to go after it and I hopped on the shovel it took about 5 minutes and whatever was bugging my ankle stopped hurting. I think it popped back into place. Then yesterday I spent 6 hours planting in my yard. I still have a bit to go, but it's so nice to see my flower beds shaping up.

When we moved in here this house had nothing that should have been growing in the back yard and the front lawn was like a dandelion preserve. I've planted hundreds of bulbs and worked hard on the lawn and it's looking good now. The first year we lived here we got the back lawn in and a huge sand box in with our play set in it as well as a large concrete patio put in. We still have lots to do, but it's getting there little by little.

I'm hopeful that I'll be able to sit in my back yard soon without feeling the constant urge to weed because I can't stand to look at it. I've been working hard on it, but it's a never ending battle. I sometimes dream how it would be if I could just say to the weeds "don't grow here" and they'd pull up their roots and walk out of my yard and not come back. Wouldn't that be a sight! Something akin to "de-gnoming" the garden in the Harry Potter books.

Oh, I did have one more thing to share. Aaron was Theodore Roosevelt in his 2nd grade wax museum. He did a report on President Roosevelt and had to memorize some of the facts from his report. He was the cutest "Teddy Roosevelt" there. I was surprised how many Theodore Roosevlets there were though. He was one of the most popular choices. I got his moustache (apx $5.50) at Zurchers with his glasses ($1.79). I didn't have to purchase anything other than that and the shirt. We had all the rest of the costume. Too bad he doesn't want to use it for Halloween.

Well, I've probably rambled enough. I'll try to post again much sooner than last time.

~Wendee

Happy Birthday Aimee!

Today my sweet Aimee would have turned 18 years old. Tomorrow it will be 3 months since she went to heaven. Well technically Saturday it will be 3 months, but the 13th is always the hardest for me because that is when I knew her brain wouldn't recover. I remember praying late Thursday and early Friday that a miracle would happen. I knew without a doubt if it had been God's will she would have been healed. That was the first time I felt that much faith in the power of healing. I've always believed, but that time it was different somehow. I also knew I could trust in God's will and even though it ended up that she had to go ahead I knew He was aware and knows what was best. I just miss her so much!

Me at the Oquirrh Mt. Temple holding Aimee's temple card

I knew today would be a challenging day for me. To make it special we arranged to do Aimee's temple work today. When someone passes on they usually have to wait a year to have their temple work done. However, if the person was worthy and was too young to have done their own work before passing on then they don't have to wait. I was so glad we were able to do it today! I could feel her near and she was so happy and full of peace and love!

It was really hard for me to see her family name card (the card I'm holding in the photo). I've seen so many of those pink cards as I've done temple work, but to see my daughter's name and info on that card was kind of shocking. However, I could feel how excited she was to have her work done. It was so neat to be able to do it for her. I'd been feeling bad because I was thinking this was the last thing I could do for her on Earth. During the temple session I felt her spirit telling me that the last thing I can do for her is to endure to the end so we can be together as a family through the eternities. I hadn't thought of it that way and it felt good to have her share that with me.

We had so many friends and family at the temple it reminded me of how it will be when we return to our heavenly home. My Dad is a temple worker and this morning he officiated the session. My friend Roxanne Gomez (whom I visit teach) is also a temple worker and she helped me too. It was wonderful to have so many people I care about there for me and Aimee! In addition to Garrett and I being there, my Mom, my siblings and their spouses, Bishop King and Amy King, Bishop Pierce and Randee Pierce, Shane and Kristin LeBarron, Adrian Paschall, Rozanne Paxman, Tresa Haymond, my Aunt Deb and Uncle Roger Roth, and my cousin Paul and his wife Shannon Clawson were all there. I keep thinking there were others there too, but hopefully I listed everyone. It was a really neat session!

I wish I could have seen Aimee all dressed in white with her beautiful face and auburn hair. I remember how darling she was as my flower girl in her white dress outside the temple and at my wedding reception. Then a few years later she was so pretty in her white baptism dress. I hope that someday I'll be able to see her dressed in white as she is sealed to her future spouse. Who knows, maybe she's already met him. At least I know where she's at all the choices will be good ones.

I found out the heart shaped granite with the vase was installed at her spot yesterday. I had planned to have our family go to the cemetery to put flowers in the vase, but it was really rainy and cold with some snow. When the kids got home from school they didn't want to go, so my Mom picked me up and we went up together. Someone had already put some flowers there and I had bought some so I added them to make a larger bouquet.

We've had so many kind things done for us today! My cousin Jenny had a pie delivered with a beautiful note. (She is on a cruise to Mexico and couldn't come today but was here in spirit.) My Olson Aunts, Uncles and cousins sent some beautiful yellow roses in a glass vase. Our home teacher (Brother LeBarron) made a delicious cake he brought over. My friend Mary Scarborough brought me a yellow and pink Gerber daisy and some yummy bread. Many of the youth from our current ward and our ward prior to the split came over and sang happy birthday for Aimee and brought us balloons and cookies. My friend Lori Denny (who was my previous Relief Society President) and her daughter (who was one of Aimee's friends in Laurels) brought me a yellow perennial called "basket of gold". I'm sure I've forgotten something, but I feel so loved and I appreciate everything everyone has done so much!

We also had some family over tonight for dinner, dessert and visiting, and earlier today we went to Chilis for lunch and Lava cake (Aimee's favorite). It has been a really special day. I was worried, but it's turned out well. Thanks to everyone who helped us so much today!

~Wendee

Aimee's Marker

It's been awhile since I've posted. Things are still up and down for me. I sometimes feel guilty when I have good days. I think that is odd, but I try to remind myself that Aimee wouldn't want me to be miserable the rest of my life. It just feels like a betrayal to have a good day. I know that isn't true and I do combat those thoughts it's just another part of my grieving process.

Next Thursday is Aimee's birthday. She would have been 18 years old. At times I feel cheated, but I know somehow, someday God will make it all right. We are going to do Aimee's temple work on her birthday. I'm really glad we're going to do something so positive on such a difficult day. I feel sad that it is the last thing I can do for her and in some ways want to save it for later, but I feel like this is the best thing for all of us. I don't want to stall her eternal progression and I think it will be wonderful to feel her so close in the temple that day!

On Monday this week her marker was put in place. The vase still hasn't been put in because the custom heart shaped granite hasn't arrived yet. I'm hopeful that it will be in by her birthday, but the marker turned out beautiful!

On Tuesday my Mom met me at the cemetery to see her marker for the first time. It felt good to have it in place. I felt really out of sorts when the cemetery had to take down the temporary marker at 2 months. It was really hard for me to have her spot be unmarked for a couple weeks. Her cute pinwheel was still there, but it feels better to me to have her marker in place. I know she'll never be forgotten, but somehow having her spot be unmarked was disconcerting to me. I feel like I'll be more at peace when the grass and the vase are in place as well. The grass is scheduled for next week, but we'll see.

My Mom had stopped at the store and gotten flowers and balloons. As you can tell from the photo above the pinwheels were going like crazy. So after decorating her spot and my sister Angie's spot for Easter we went to lunch at a little Chinese restaurant close by. It was really yummy. Then I came home and after an hour I laid down for a nap. I slept for a couple hours. I think all the cleaning of the past week and the emotions of the day took their tole.

I worked hard in the yard yesterday and wiped myself out again. I have a really hard time pacing myself. It's hard not to over do it. Today I started cleaning and had to take a break after a bit. If you're wondering why I get so tired so easily it's because I found out last year I have fibromyalgia. I have been having a hard time coming to grips with it because I like to go go go and having to slow down is really annoying! I don't like to make excuses and I have to keep telling myself that fibromyalgia isn't an excuse. I'm still not really settled with it, but I'm taking it a day at a time as I am with so many other things.

I really enjoyed LDS General Conference this last weekend and am so grateful for all the many talks that seemed to be "just for me". I especially enjoyed President Monson's talk titled "The Race of Life". He quoted Alma 40:11-12 in the Book of Mormon:

“Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.

“And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.”

I loved President Monson's testimony of the Savior and His resurrection. I am so grateful for Easter and the opportunity it provides us to celebrate the gift of eternal life our brother gave to us through His sacrifice! He is my hero and I am so thankful for the knowledge of His gospel! I hope everyone has a blessed Easter and can feel the love our God and Savior have for each of us!

~Wendee

Video of Aimee Singing

I thought that as time went on it would get easier and I wouldn't hurt so much, but honestly it's getting harder. It seems wrong to me that life can just go on as usual without Aimee here. I'm finding joy here and there, but it is all mixed in with sorrow. It's odd to me that such opposite emotions can coexist. I want to remember the happy times with Aimee and not focus so much on the absence, but that doesn't always work so well. Today I was looking at old videos and decided to edit one and post it here.

Last year at Herriman High Aimee was in the Theater Showcase. She was so excited and chose to sing "I Know it's Today" from Shrek the Musical. Jann Boyer, Aimee's voice teacher, helped her pick out the song. We had fun going to Hale Theater's costume rental site and picking out the dress she wore. She also had some last minute rehearsals with Jann that she loved! Aimee did an amazing job performing this song!



She has such a beautiful voice and loved to perform! I miss seeing her on stage. At least I have lots of videos and photos to remember her by.

When I was watching the video today I was a bit startled by some of the lyrics. There is a part where she (Fionna) talks about Snow White being in a coma and how she is glad it's Snow White and not her. It was a bit hard to hear her singing about being in a coma. It's interesting how life's experiences can change how we view things that wouldn't have bothered us before.

For Valentine's day Garrett and I went to see "The Vow". I knew there was an accident in it and that the wife lost her memory, but I didn't realize that there would be such a lot of time spent on the hospital. It was probably only 15 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity from my perspective. The head injury, the medically induced coma, the different terms and even the hallway the husband was in at one point all brought back so many hard memories for me. It was still a great movie and I'd recommend it, but it was hard for me to watch.

At the end of last year Aimee had really started liking the song, "If I Die Young" by the band Perry. She bought it for her iPod and at one point just the two of us were driving somewhere and that song was playing. I asked her to change the channel. She asked why and I told her it was just so harsh to think of one of my kids dying young. She understood and put on a different song. I had no idea in less than a month I'd be facing that trial with her. That song is still hard for me to listen to.

Sometimes I feel the "whys" are seeking to overtake me. At those times I turn back to reading conference talks, prayer, searching the scriptures and attending the temple. Today I read a talk by Lance B. Wickman from the LDS General Conference in October 2002 titled, "But If Not". In it he said, "Reduced to their essence, humility and submissiveness are an expression of complete willingness to let the “why” questions go unanswered for now, or perhaps even to ask, “Why not?” It is in enduring well to the end (see 2 Ne. 31:15–16; Alma 32:15; D&C 121:8) that we achieve this life’s purposes. I believe that mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that “all things must come to pass in their time” (D&C 64:32)." (emphasis added)

He also said, "grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning. Hence, what a grieving parent can expect to receive from the Lord in response to earnest supplication may not necessarily be an elimination of grief so much as a sweet reassurance that, whatever his or her circumstances, one’s child is in the tender care of a loving Heavenly Father."

"We know He lives; therefore, we trust Him to bless us according to His divine will and wisdom. This childlike confidence in the Lord is known in scripture simply as the “sacrifice” of “a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (D&C 59:8)." I am trying to focus on that trust and let go of the whys.

Yesterday I went to the temple with my cousin Jenny. She has been a strength to me as we attend the temple together nearly weekly. On the way to the Oquirrh Mt. Temple yesterday I started crying and it was all I could do to keep from sobbing. When I got the to parking lot I just wanted to run into the temple to seek the peace I feel there.

Once I was calmly inside and changed into temple clothing Jenny asked if I needed a hug. I did, and I sobbed into her shoulder. Through the first half hour of service tears kept streaming down my face. Two sweet temple workers helped to comfort me and I was able to continue on and perform the work for 10 sisters. By the time I was done I felt so much better. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, but I felt that peace again.

It seemed at the time of Aimee's passing that the veil was so thin. Its really hard for me to feel that it is it becoming more opaque again. I'm not sure if it is something I'm doing or not doing or if it is the Lord's way of gently pulling back to encourage me to stand on my own. I feel like a wobbly legged fawn just learning to stand and needing to abruptly sit on a frequent basis. I long for the closeness I felt and want to do whatever I can to continue to feel the spirit near.

In talking about the loss of his son, Elder Wickman said, "the tender ministering of the Spirit and the passage of the years have softened our sadness." I'm hoping that I can get to a point where I can remember her mainly with gladness and that the aching sorrow and longing will be softened through faith in God's will and His timing.

I know He knows what is best and although I don't comprehend why I do trust Him. I just have to keep reminding myself to have faith in what I cannot see or understand at this time.

~Wendee

Struggling

I've been struggling lately, but I guess that isn't anything new. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging onto small branches growing out of a muddy slope and I'm barely keeping from slipping into a deep dark hole. I feel guilty for struggling because of all the love and support I receive from everyone, especially my Savior. I know that there are angels bearing me up and I have been so blessed by family and friends that I sometimes think I "should" be handling this better. I've been told not to "should" on myself and I try not to. I recognize that I am doing the best I can and it is normal to suffer when enduring this kind of a trial. At times it's just really hard to know how to deal with all these varied emotions. I am trying to give my self some slack and not expect perfection, but it has always been my nature to seek perfection.

Sometimes my heart aches so badly I feel that the only thing keeping it from literally breaking into pieces is the Savior. In a talk by Robert D. Hales titled "Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done" Elder Hales said, ““in my Gethsemane” and yours, we are not alone. He that watches over us “shall neither slumber nor sleep.” His angels here and beyond the veil are “round about [us], to bear [us] up.”” I know this is true. I feel His presence and that of many angels strengthening me. The Savior's grace makes it possible for me to face each new day.

I think the guilt, pain, sorrow, despair and many more emotions that come and go are all a part of working through this great loss. In a different talk by Quentin L. Cook titled, "The Songs They Could Not Sing" Elder Cook says, "The refiner’s fire is real, and qualities of character and righteousness that are forged in the furnace of affliction perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God."

He goes on to say, "A unique challenge for those who have lost loved ones is to avoid dwelling on the lost opportunities in this life. Often those who die early have demonstrated significant capabilities, interests, and talents. With our limited understanding, we lament the things that will not be accomplished and the songs that will not be sung." I often wonder what Aimee would have achieved with her many talents. She was and is amazing! I miss seeing her learn and grow and I miss the association we had on a daily basis. I miss visiting with her, enjoying her company and experiencing things together.

Last fall we went to Tuachan and watched the musical production of the "Little Mermaid" as a family. Aimee loved it! We had such a great time, and I am so grateful we were able to go on that trip together!

I posted the photo to the right on Facebook right after the musical and Aimee commented on the photo saying, "These two are my new role models, they were the ones I couldn't take my eyes off of whenever they were onstage because of their attitude and facial expressions they are amazing I want to learn to act like they can." She told them that she was amazed by their ability to never drop character, not even once.

I always thought of Aimee's Disney princess as Arial. Her red hair, beautiful voice and independent spirit made them seem like such a good fit. When the kids went up to Arial and Eric after the musical to get a photo, Eric said something about there being two "Arials" in the picture. It was cute. I think Aimee would have done a great job playing that part.

I haven't picked a date yet, but I plan to take the family down to St. George again, hopefully soon. I think the longer we wait the harder it will be. I know going to Tuacahn will be hard, but maybe Aimee will come with us in spirit. Starting after the first week of June they're playing "Aladdin" and "Hair Spray". We saw a shortened version of "Aladdin" in California Adventures in October last year. It was really good. The Genie was amazing! Aimee loved that one too! Below are some more pictures from Tuacahn in September 2011.

The phrase "time flies on wings of lightening" keeps coming into my mind. I can hardly believe that 2 months have already passed since Aimee left us. There are still times I think about things we'll be doing together and then I realize that she's gone ahead and that those things will have to wait. I miss my precious, sweet, beloved girl!

~Wendee